Cowboys and Biology

Now, I know you've all given up on this blog. We're in college....this is so beneath us...I don't have time...get over yourselves! Please keep posting, since you all just bring me such joy!
Here's a funny story to get things started.....
My friend and I were sitting in biology. Now, there's been this boy in our class that is the sweetest cowboy. My friend decided she wanted this boy to be her next kiss. Yes well, it's a topic of our conversations everyday. We've been trying to come up with plans that would lead him to asking for her number....
Then one day, it all changed.
He was sitting between us, and we were facebook chatting about our scheming plans. As my friend leaned over to watch another YouTube video (Yes I know, we totally pay close attention in biology!) the cowboy happened to look over....
"I wish he'd as for my number.....if he doesn't I'll be so depressed and kill myself!...."
Oh dear. Slight emergency here. She's really not that dramatic, I promise. However, here we are, over exaggerating, and the cowboy read it. Furthermore, he still didn't ask for her number. Double whammy. To make matters worse, when class ended we started talking about him. We were laughing at how awkward and funny the whole thing was, and lamenting about how he STILL didn't get the picture. Little did we know...he hadn't quite left the room. So, not only did he read our entire conversation, but he heard the whole thing in person.
Wow. We are just so great. Have a laugh!

A revolution.

This is the day I take my stand.

Today, from now on, I am promising myself:

-NO more guys who treat me like a sex-object. I am a human. I have a concious and basic decency. I am a female who knows when and where it is appropriate to express my sexuality. I will stand up for my morals.
-NO more guys who think they can manipulate me. I know a womanizer when I see one. You enjoy hunting the weak girls and twirl them in circles until their vision is blurry and their world is distorted. Total control is your goal and you will do next to anything to have it. I will see the signs and defend myself.
-NO more guys who are lazy and unmotivated. Let me sum this up for any guy who is reading this: SHE IS WORTH IT. I will dump any guy who more lazy than I am!
-NO more rudeness and sheer lack of manners. Would it kill you to open a door? Reply to a text message? Make eye contact? Say more than two words? No, it's not impressive when every other word coming out of your mouth is either the f-word of a reference to sex. No, it's not impressive when you slap my butt in public and yell "Man conquer woman!!" NO. It is NOT impressive when you treat me like I don't know anything and that I would be nothing without you! I will expect to be treated with respect and common curteousty.
-NO more guys who always have a condescending remark to give to me. Don't think you're smarter than me because 3/4 of the time, I have the upper hand and know what I'm doing. Your sarcastic and caustic remarks do not HELP they HURT.
-NO more guys who treat us more like a job than a relationship. Sorry sweetie, putting in so many hours will not have me putting out.
-NO more macho boys and single brain-celled male guys. When was the last time you were out of your man cave? I am sick of talking about the best protien powder. I can repreat the story of when you failed 9th grade english and can't graduate anymore. You've told me millions of times how easy all your previous ex-girlfriends were. And it is NOT cool to tell me how you haven't read a book since elementary school. Please, I will do anything for any form of intelligent converation!! I will choose a guy who has brains over muscle any day!

This is what I think:
-YES to guys, not boys.
-YES to guys who are so comfortable with themselves that they encourage me to be comfortable with myself.
-YES to guys who enrich my life and help me grow. I will date a guy who wants me to become bigger than myself, who sees potential in me and our relationship. I will date a guy who laughs in the face of uncertainty, bridles any risk presented, and will hold my hand to constantly remind me we are in this together.
-YES to guys who see me as an equal. When there is a problem, we can address both sides and be fairly represented. When feelings flair, we will let them flair but know how to deal with them. We will be adults and not adolensences. He will respect my thoughts, ideas, opinions. If I am in the wrong, he won't save this opportunity and backstab me later. He will call me out and we will not dwell on the problem, but the solution.
-YES to guys who drop their emotional luggage, don't bother testing the water, and dive in head first. He doesn't believe in being tied down by the past and is optimistic about the future.
-YES to guys who have a constant personality: they would be the same guy I was crazy for and treat me the same way as he would in front of his friends or if we were on a date.

From now on:
-I will not compromise what I want now for what I want in my future.
-I will act like I'm worth it because I am.
-I will encourage risks, grasp challenges, interpret "danger" as "adventure", and enjoy the ride.
-I will remeber that who I date is a reflection of who I am. Dating a egotistical jerk who is prone to temper tantrums? Pick yourself apart before you even think of picking them apart.
-I will respect myself. If I don't, then why would any one else?

May this be a revelation and revolution for any woman who reads this!

Hallelujah!

There has been a miracle ladies! Yes, since the terrible repetitive breakup scenarios since December I have been extreemly cynical and have kept myself sheltered from the world of men (for the most part) but it seems even someone as unlucky as me, ( ex: I got a ticket last night for going 30 around a corner...???) can scrape up a bit of good karma once in a while. We'll call him Tuck. He's the one ive had the secret crush on for months but I was always just one of the guys to him. I decided to let things run it's course and if it happens it happens, if not... nothin else is new you know? So, months go by while im watching him throw himself at specific girls and get played every time. The obvious solution would have been to just like me right? No, we all know from experience that nothing is ever that easy! Well, it just turns out that my BF happens to be his cousin... So we become the 3 amigos, the 3 musketeers, the 3 whatever youd like to call us, and even though at that point Id love a chance with him it was just too perfect as friends and I didnt want to lose that. I was completly content just being friends for once!
All I have to say is I am a firm believer in the saying "The best relationships come out of friendships" because now he is starting to notice me for the things he likes about me and not just what he sees on the outside like every other girl! And he is so adorable and such a gentlemen! Thank goodness for summer!

6 word: Yes! finally a good news blog!!

Lost In the Mazes of Men

hmmm well I check this blog everyday, so I thought I'd post something....

huh, well now that I'm graduated and summer is here, the world has changed. Suddenly I'm being asked on more dates a week than my entire year. To add to this statement, where did all the men come from? Some are coming back, some just stopping by briefly, and some leaving a trail to follow as they walk away.... Boy 1 sent me through a series of mazes. I'd get lost with his mixed signals and his lack of commitment to lead me in the right direction. As far as I could tell, he'd left me in the dust until he got bored again. So I tried to move on, thinking he'd made it clear that I needed to. That's when, shall we call him Bases?, came along. He charmed me right out of the baseball park! I thought he was the greatest guy I'd ever met! So I fell for him. Well, turns out he was an entirely different person than I thought he was. Entirely. He's the type of guy that takes advantage of a girl like me, and then makes a show out of it. What else was I supposed to do besides run away as fast as possible? Now I'm getting crap for moving around too fast.... well sorry if I didn't want to get raped today. Boys really are only after one thing, and I can relate to CC. So judge as you wish, but I'm sick of being treated like crap. I called him Bases, because he tried to make it to home plate, and I wasn't having that! To make matters worse, he's a year younger than me... I'm trying to find someone worth my time, but he seems to be MIA. That or I'm sure the good guys have all been taken. So, I'm off men for the moment. Friends are so much easier to deal with. The lack in drama is welcomed openly, and I'm finally enjoying the lack in pressure. I'm on the run girls, hoping the right guy will catch up to me.

six word: Now I remember necessity for closure.

28 Days

Joshua entered my life on May 2nd, 2010. I politely excused him from it on May 30th, 2010.

I just wrote a long post chronicling the world's fastest unwise relationship. I erased it all and decided to just sum up the lessons I learned from it. There is no point in reliving bad choices and tainting his name beyond his own doing. I share my wisdom instead. Isn't that the purpose of the Boy Blog?

1. There are many boys in the world who are oversexed and under-relationshipped. No matter how certain you are that you could be his saving grace, it is not worth it.

2. Yes, everything your mother and sister and young women's leader said is true. If a boy gets angry with you because you will not have sex with him, he is not what you thought he was, because had you known he would do that, you probably would not have dated him.

3. Even the wisest of girls can fall into the clutches of bad relationships. For many, it lasts long. For me, it lasted exactly 28 days. I have always been one to live life on the fast track. The point it, keep your eyes peeled. No matter what you feel, Galileo's words are true: "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us wth sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

Be smart, ladies.

tried to give me wings but prefer to travel by foot..

Independence.

Singularity.

Self-reliance.

Life by myself.

How much do I really value my independence?

How much do I care to keep to myself?

How well do I really let other people know me?

Here's my chance. A relationship, someone to be there for me. Someone to exchange book recommendations, help me find my car at wal-mart, get to actually know me.

And what do I do?

I shrug them off, avoid text messages, crumple up into my shell...

I take one good look and I run.

Why do I demand to be refunded the moment I am bought?

Am I ever going to be content?

Sweet Success

I've lived in constant fear that if the one guy I've ever considered myself to love.... would come crawling back. You see PS and I have a history, years in fact, but I'd moved on. It might have taken a few months, but I did it. However, here he comes again looking for a summer romance. The fear lies in that I thought I'd come running back into his arms. I'm proud to say I didn't. We've evolved into two entirely different people. At least, I have. We just don't fit anymore, and we merely make perfect friends. Sure, I fit right under your arm, we still have the same tastes, and yes, there'll probably always be something there. However, I've moved on from you and the girl I was. I just can't do that again!
I'm here to say.... no. I'm sticking it to the man, and proving your manipulation techniques are now transparent and useless.
I'm back.

six word: Bam. Take that corrupting heart breaker.

Dating Younger Guys...?

Now as graduates we face a dilemma...

To date younger guys, or not to date younger guys.

What if he's really cute and sweet blue eyed blonde sexy man but a year younger and your graduated and hes a senior...I mean we've already recycled all the guys our age, and I feel like were a lot more mature now that we're out of high school so maybe we can deal with the drama better?

It would probably never work because you're off to college and hes still in the "mature" state of a senior boy. Perhaps a summer fling?

Just wondering what your opinions are...

6 word: the game is on Lady Cougars

(: were not going to BYU for nothin...

Three woman I wish I was more like

Coco Chanel: honsetly could've cared less about what anyone had to say about her and her taste of fashion. She was often ridiculed for her clothing sketeches and constantly attacked for her structured and clean designs. But her determination quickly made her the most suave, coveted, and high-fashion women of the world. She is independent from others thoughts.

Crystal Renn: A knobby size-zero anorexic to a volumputously curved size twelve plus size model, Crystal Renn has the confidence of a mythological Goddess and the body that every classical painter's dreamed about. She loves her curves, each and every one of them. She not only beat anorexia but is now on a world-wide tour to promote healthy eating and body images. She is physically and emotionally confident.

Billie Holiday: Her voice could hush a room instantly and move people to tears. She could paint colors onto the silence Her vocals, like her style and conduct, was classic and unmatched. She sang about everything- oppression, heartache, being rich, being poor, falling in love, shooting for the moon, and living for herself. She is original and genuine.

nothing short of...

lost.

I am spinning on someone elses axis and nauseous with things I don't have.

I've tried everything (flip my hair, bat my eyes, gloss my lips, touch his arm, laugh at everything, be obnoxiously vulnerable, wear tight clothing, giggle, cry, pout).

And yet,

I still find myself going home

alone.

I wish I had a guy to guide me to my car when I'm lost in the parking lot of Wal-Mart.

I wish I had a guy who would call me when it rains and say "let's go puddle jumping!"

I wish I had a guy that would come to my work soley so we could exhange book recommendations.

I wish I had a guy who would tell me to stop pestering with my looks because he thought I looked beautiful to him.

I wish I had a guy who would show me how to throw a frisbee better and how to make the perfect spaghetti sauce.

I wish I had a guy who sincerely cared about what was in my head, what I thought, and who I wanted to be.

I wish I had a guy who could drive me crazy when we argued but made me crazier when he would kiss me to shut me up.

But who knows.

My eyes are sore from looking,

my hands are chaffed from holding on.

Dried Tears

I never cry these days; it's like I've grown out of it. They make fun of girls by asking guys, "When did you last cry?" and there response is something to the effect of fifth grade. Meanwhile, us poor unfortunate girls have an answer similar to last week, a few days ago, and sometimes.... last night. It truly is unfortunate that most of our emotions are tied to tears. We cry when we're happy, sad, frightened, mad, livid, hurt, surprised, or even when we have Pissed at Men Syndrome. (Why yes, I did just make a Last Song reference.) However, I'm not entirely like this. You see, my tears refuse to come out until breaking point. Normally, I'd say it takes a lot for me to cry, except for once it's been built up...something ridiculously little will set me off. I tribute this to the fact that everytime I cry, I'm always tired and hungry. Regardless, I found myself in near soundless sobs sprawled out on my bedroom floor. Okay so sprawled might have turned into hugging myself listening to the same song over and over and over and over again. But my pathetic situation is unimportant. The purpose of this post is merely to... well I haven't quite figured that out yet. It comes down to....please let graduation come soon!

Lady Gaga Is My Idol

Let's have a talk you and me. Right now. Let's put aside the fact that she is probably a hermaphrodite. I'm glad we got that out of the way. Now let's move on.

Would you ever try to get in a fight with Lady Gaga? NO FOOL! You would run away in fear.

Would you ever want to get between Lady Gaga and her man? NO! She would probably skin you alive and use it for her next music video outfit, and eat your leftovers for breakfast.

I apologize to BadABeyonce right now (because i just realized that this is just like her Beyonce post) for almost shamelessly copying her tribute to the honorable and equally kick A woman, Beyonce, but I just couldn't help myself.

Lady Gaga is a freak genious who eminates the totally cliche phrase "GIRL POWER" but in a whole new way. Needless to say everytime my ex comes up to me and puts on his prince charming smile and starts oozing out buckets of charm, the words to alejandro pop into my head, and I feel like kicking him where it counts and strutting away.

Lady Gaga should be the soundtrack of my life.

W's

Why! Just when I'm over you why do you always start talking to me again! No, ill never go back. You can count on that. In fact, write it down and remind me. You're right. I am jealous that you have a girlfriend (you lying sack of....) so it would really be nice if the occasional conversations we have weren't about her. Thank you, for not texting back when I told you the real reason I can't wait to graduate is to get over you and move on. That is exactly what I intend to do so have fun in your dead end relationship with someone still in high school. Loser.
Anyways...
Wake up! I know its never going to work out for us because you're a just friends type of guy (and I'm OK with that... sorta) and also because you're head over heels for the woman but really, stop wasting your time on her! She's playing you like a pro! It's so obvious. I wish you could see it and would realize that there's someone else who really likes being one of the guys, but would love having a chance with you! If not, that's just fine and I'll still be happy to help you with her games. Thanks for helping me get over him, wether you know you have or not.

Warning! (I know for a fact that there are males that know the URL. Don't ask who what when where why or how but its the same that's always causing trouble. Just putting that out there! In fact he'll probably read this. Hello.)

I decided I'd try it out---

6 word: Find me with your bright eyes.

Notes To Self

Dear Self,
Oh my heavens... we've been through this before! Stop waiting around, and move on! He has one of those things that makes him untouchable.....you know what I'm talking about....a girlfriend! Yeah, now you remember. Well sparky, what are you going to do now? I'm pretty sure waiting on him is a waste of your time, actually I know it is. Also, if you could please stop with the whole... liking one of your ex's again...that's old stuff too. It leaves us feeling confused and all that jazz. I'm certain that things will clear up, if you follow my orders.
Yours truly,
Self

Dear Self,
Your sappy attitude while watching other people fall in love in chick flicks is nauseating. Life is not a movie! Music doesn't que up when life's moments most need it. Nor are your actions scripted out, so you know what to do. You're wrong, there aren't a series of cute moments, one right after the other, after you fall for someone. As a matter of fact, you've got to play your own music in your car while driving away disappointed with your day. You've got to make your own choices, and hope it works out for the best. Those cute moments happen on a rare day, and is filled with disappointment in between. -If at all. Therefore, stop watching Disney and other chick flicks.
Sincerely,
Self

Dear Self,
Snap out of it. If this was anyone else, you'd be laughing at how pathetic they are.
With Love,
Self

six word: Of course it's not easy anymore...

the 7 truths (since Karen has a thing with 7s)

dear _____:

here are the 7 relationship truths about me:

1-as much as I'm trying to avoid and show it, I am a romantic. I enjoy the rush, the burn, the high of being attracted to someone else. I get starry eyed when I hear a love song, queezy when I watch a chick flick, and twitter-patted when the feelings start.

2- I am a passive person. If I am mad at you, you probably will never know. I will try my hardest to make sure things between us are peachy keen and full of rainbows and butterflies. But inside my emotions are probably eating me alive.

3- I am not high maintenance! Despite all the other attention-seeking, emotionally-draining girls you have dated I am a basic girl. I am attracted to simplicity. I do not enjoy complications and complex things. It either is, or it isn't. You either have or you don't have. You either do, or you don't.

4- I'm odd (if you hadn't noticed yet). My bedroom is littered with dyi books, horror novels, and vogue magazines. I sing at the top of my lungs in the car. I make things more awkward then they need to be. I tend to dress like a boy. I procrastinate. My humor's a litte off. I'd rather play video games, etc.

5- I am a jealous creature. Probably more than I am willing to admit in a blog post.

6- If you are going to spoil me, spoil me by spending time with me. I have a problem where if you're out of sight, you are out of mind. If you are physically there, how can I possibly forget about you?

7- I am just as oblivious as you are. What goes through your head? What do you think about me? I am always wishing you would give me somewhat of a hint.

Sincerely confused,

nyk

I'm Pathetic

Wishlist:
1. A boy
2. 18+ years
3. Who doesn't cheat
4. Who wants to hold my hand while we drive
5. Who likes to kiss my cheek as much as my lips
6. Who will let me hang out with my friends a LOT
7. Who tries to understand me instead of change me
8. Who takes care of himself and cares about looking good
9. Who will protect me and keep me safe from others and himself
10. Who doesn't care if I don't want a kiss. He will give me a hug instead

Please, feel free to direct him my way if you see him. I know he's around here somewhere.

yes, confused (to say the least.)

the check list:

- you have a relaxed sense of humor

- you enjoy the same movies I do

- we talk like we've been friends forever

- you are always smiling

- you are friendly

- you call/text me

- you are nothing short of good looking

- you have asked me out on dates

- you make the effort to hang out with me

- I feel relatively normal around you

- you actually have feelings

- you can think for yourself

- you enjoy reading

- you have respect

- you have a job

- you have a car

You are everything I want

but...

I just don't want you like that.

six word: why can't i feel the same?

Potential?

None.
Age? well... a lot older than me.... (cough)...21...(cough)....
Attractive? Extremely
Flirtatious? Very
R.M.? Yes
Off Limits? Totally
Single? Luckily
Ex- Boyfriends Best Friend's Older Brother? Well.... Yes

Six Word: Too Much History. Like You Anyway.

Someone please stop this train....

Do I want another relationship to finish out my senior year? Heck no! Do I still take interest in certain guys? Yes.... So how do I find a compromise? Oh yeah, go for the guy that already has a girlfriend, then there's no problem. curses....




Well you see, Boy #2 has reappeared. (Please see "the good guys" or something like that for previous post) He's back with his cheater of a girlfriend, who complains about how he never listens or gives her his time. First off, he's the best boyfriend a girl could have! He sent her a dozen roses just because the other day. I mean, he listens more than my best friend ever listens to me! These accusations are empty. Regardless, he loves her apparently. Dang it. Well that's okay, because I still get to spend hours of time with him because we share the same extracurricular activity. He still is talking to me everyday, so in essence... I really don't mind. I'm free to like him, without the stress. By stress I mean, "Does he like me?" "Where is this headed?" "Do all my plans include him now?" "Should I stop talking to these other guys?" Nope, I've got none of that! I owe him nothing, and he owes me nothing! It's great actually.



So why am I posting? Well, it comes down to... I've got to get out of here before I actually fall for the guy! I know I'm a bit late, he's already in my dreams (No not like that duh, I mean he randomly appears in my actual dreams). How do I stop this train again? And yes, I am aware that everyone, including the latest magazine, has told me I'm supposed to give up. I just can't seem to actually do that.



six word: would you please dump the girlfriend?

Not to be vulgar but...

What the hell.

Okay, so lately I'm going out with three or four guys a week and loving it, and so, SO not looking for a relationship. I'm dating for the free food and friendships. This morning I had my first breakfast date with a guy that I really liked being around. I went out once with him before and had a blast. Honestly he's probably the guy I have most interest in of all of them; nevertheless, nothing was going to happen because I'm not looking for a relationship, he's twenty seven, not a member of the church, and I don't even like him THAT much. If he were a member it might be different, maybe, but I have always known better than to start a relationship that will, inevitably, have to end, and will probably go who knows where in the meantime.

Firstly, you have to understand that this happened about ten minutes ago, and secondly you have to understand that I, full grown dating fiend that I am, had only kissed two guys in my life. Kissing is a really big deal for me, so I've been trying to keep the tally low.

So he's leaving, and then he stops and says leadingly, "So... you're really beautiful, right?"
To which I respond, "Right."
"And I really like you..."
I barely restrained myself from asking, "Like, LIKE like?" before he begins explaining that despite his feelings, he is still planning on going to Taiwan in may for two years to teach English to orphans or something and so doesn't want to get involved or lead me on.

So I'm thinking, 'Great. We'll just be friends. This is what I was planning on anyways,' when he moves in for what I assumed was a goodbye hug when I realised just how close his face was to mine.

I must have looked confused because he paused, backed up a bit and said, "I'm going to kiss you."

The situation, at this moment, was so ridiculous to me that I simply laughed. But then I heard someone say "Okay," and realised it was me.

...

It was weird.

It was like those movies where the hero and heroine finally kiss and it's all filled with tension and they just almost kiss for, like, five minutes before anything really happens and you know it's supposed to be really intense but it's just awkward. Building up to it took long enough for me to wonder if he hadn't in fact been lying when he declared his intentions, and then decide that maybe I didn't want to go through with it. No, I definitely didn't. But by then it was too late. So I thought hey, might as well see if I like it, so I didn't slap him. I thought violence, in this instance, might be particularly rude considering he technically had permission.

He pulled away, and said, "Hmm..."

And I thought, 'What does that even mean?'

So I asked, "What does that even mean?"

And he said, "It means I liked it." I knew enough now to guess just what kind of 'Like' he meant. I also noted that he looked quite giddy as he walked out the door, leaving me standing in the kitchen wondering if what had just happened was a good thing or a bad thing.

It was a bad thing guys.

I do not know how I let this happen. It's so unlike me that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I had experienced some kind of stroke right around the time he wanted to make sure we were on the same page on whether or not I'm beautiful. Really though, what just happened?

What.
The.
Hell.

we'll all float on okay....

Well ladies,
Our High School careers are almost over... we only have to endure a month and a week and one day as of today :) Then we will be FREE the rest of our lives from immature men who think love is a game. After going through high school I have to admit I've met some really great people. Most of them are on this blog, and I am pleased to have known you. Others.... well lets just say I won't miss them. My grandma always says that some hands you should shake and some hands you should hold. (I have amended this by saying some you only give a high-five but that mostly applies to booty calls). But anyways, applying this to guys... If you think one of them are worth holding on to- go for it!! You never know, they might go on a mission and become totally changed and since you were willing to nurture a friendly relationship with them before they left they'll come home and realize you're the one and you'll be married! That's unrealistic, I know... but I think if someones worth holding on to you should do it, and if not forget about them!

until the high school reunion... dun dun dun!!! ha ya right!

MY SIX WORD FOR BOYS AND DECISION-MAKING:

USE YOUR BRAIN,

NOT YOUR PENIS.

Score.

No, not that kind of score, silly!

I've never been much of a dater. The time I used to spend with guys seemed to go, "Hey, you're pretty cute," then a minute later I'd be going, "What just happened?" You understand, I hope. However, I've recently found myself being asked on dates. Real dates. With boys. Real boys. Weird, right? It's not so bad. It can be pretty fun, even. Of course, I have one dilemma that is puzzling me.

While I expect to score a free meal on a date, the guys who ask me out seem to expect to just score. Do I come off as easy? Guys that seem perfectly suitable during dinner are a bit too handsy just an hour later. I'm not even particularly flirty. Heavens, I'll go out of my way to avoid hugging someone, even if they're just a friend. Let's be honest: I could even be classified as standoffish. Just holding hands and cuddling makes me feel dirty. I feel as though I've gone backwards on the scale of what I feel comfortable with physically. I guess that's why I call my past indiscretions a "phase."

What is with these guys? "Hm, I think I want to get some tonight, so I'll dish out 25 bucks for dinner with this hot blonde." (Yes. I am the hot blonde in question.) Then when they're driving themselves home without even a quick peck at the door, they're like, "Wow, I must be off my game tonight."

As the Pussycat Dolls have taught me so effectively: It's funny how a man only thinks about the -----.

Hey, remember that time when some girls told Red Tulip I made out with her ex? Do I have that kind of reputation? Really? REALLY?

That's it. I'm becoming a nun.

In other words...

Dear MC,
Fly me to the moon.
You will never read this.
You told me that you loved me for something that he never could.
You are confusing to me.
You say that you don't care about it, but I know you do.
You are the new summer.
You are confusing to me.
You make me want to scream!
You are confusing to me.
You tell me funny things so that you can listen to me laugh.
You couldn't stop looking at my face.
You didn't tell me anything.
You are the first one I've really liked since.... Him.
You are confusing to me.
In other words, take my hand. In other words, baby kiss me. In other words, please be true.

"Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

One day....

One day I'll meet a man who reads Faulkner along with Lord of the Rings. He'll enjoy Barnes and Noble along with wakeboarding in the sun. He'll be tall enough for my heels, and have hands that can actually hold my long fingers. He'll want to make time for me, and be patient with my sparatic schedule. He won't laugh at my watching chick flicks or singing horribly to John Mayer, instead he'll watch a few with me plus James Bond and sing a long with me. He'll accept my awkwardness in stride and make up for my faults. He may even be on my brother's approval list, but we don't want to make him too unrealistic right?
For now, I'm happy to be single. For once.

Six Word: A girl can dream, can't she?

I could be perfect for you.

my friends recommend,

I ease up on the time we spend.

I wish I didn't have to pretend

to protect myself, to defend

what inside of me, what needs to mend.

when will this confusion end?

will you please just tell me if I'm just a friend?

prom.

I hate prom.

I hate the glitter.

I hate the fluff.

I hate the cheesy love songs.

I hate prom kings/prom queens.

I hate how people tell me "it's not a big romantic deal, it's just a dance" when their boyfriend's have already asked them.

I hate it when I think I might have that miniscule glimmer of hope of getting asked when in reality, no guy wants to date me.

I hate the sour pang I get in my stomach when all my friends sit and chat about what color their dresses are going to be, where they are getting their nails done, if they should wear heels or not.

I hate hearing "Boys, don't forget to get your dates for prom!" over the morning announcements, as if they have forgotten about prom all together.

I hate downcasting my eyes and wringing my hands when I say "no" when I've been questioned if I've been asked to prom or not.

I hate the consuming feeling of jealousy that I can't do nothing about until this stupid dance is over.

Date #2

I feel like im always writing something. sorry you probably get sick of hearing from me ha my b.
So question.... since I obviously have no idea what goes on in the mind of the male species maybe one of you will understand this.
AT (what we'll call him) has asked me on dates before and we've hung out before but it's never gone anywhere and every time I start to like him he magically hooks up with someone else and I do a complete mind drain and forget him easily. Weve always been really good friends though. and hes drop dead sexy. anyways. So recently I heard from a friend of his that he was going to ask either me or another girl to prom and of course he asked her ( I didnt even know they were friends but thats totally fine I could care less about prom) so I just figured they had a thing and dropped everything. But he's still asking to hang out and stuff all the time. Our second real official date is tonight. Rock climbing up the canyon. The date sounds good to me but I don't really know what kind of a date it is. Usually if its two official dates right in a row that means something right? I'm a little confused so im going to keep it friends till we figure out whats going on.... crud.

stuttering..

it goes something like this:

he (known as TT) calls me.

he texts me.

he hangs out with.

he takes me out.

yet everytime I'm with him...

he teases me/tortures me/rubs it in my face that he can never be mine.

problem, maybe?

so frustrated....

OK I'm probably going to regret this one but I need to vent and I figured that this is probably the safest place... plus I need good advice!

First off.... what's with all the freaking SLUTS at our school and why do they always have men? They always get asked to dances, the hot guys are always flirting with them and even the good boys (or so I thought) who call them sluts would pay 20 bucks for a one night hook up with them.

Second of all... do boys understand what they're saying when they tell you they can't have a girlfriend because of their mission? IT MEANS NO GIRLFRIEND UNTIL THEIR MISSION!! not get a new one... and not to go get on a ho!!!!

Story behind the anger...

DL. Yes I hate him but it still hurts knowing that he's hooking up with anything with boobs. I just think better of him I guess. And he asked to hang out over spring break! I dont understand his motives!! I have this image of him dressed as a noble missionary but lately the picture is changing to him rapidly taking the suit off for a night with the drill team (total stereotype, only a few girls on drill sorry). I'm PISSED. They've ruined him when he should be with ME!! rrrr OK once again being selfish. but seriously! What the HE!! So now Derek's beezy gf is hooking up with my dlXbf so were both pissed and its not going over well. Any advice?

Oh and tomorrow is April fools... so hes screwed :)

IM SICK OF HIGH SCHOOL!!

Stupid Boy

Way to ruin my day. Singlehandedly, the male sex has managed to completely reduce my self esteem to nothingess in a matter of 45 minutes in a series of dirty looks (thank you, ex boyfriend), swear words (via jack @$$), an openly stated opinion that I am fat (from a 200+ lbs. man). Now all I need is for my date to MORP to cancel on me because I'm ugly or something. To complete my vent of the day... I cried in front of all of the offenders, and what did they do? give more dirty looks, whisper and laugh. Perfect. Way to go boys. And you wonder why I don't want another boyfriend in high school... Just ask me boys. I dare you. See what happens to your car/ pride/ face/ ability to procreate.

When Life Gives You Lemons

Dear Readers and Bloggers alike,
I have failed to determine the answer to, what I feel is, a vital question. When you find yourself in a position where you've been taken advantage of (used/ cheated on/ lied to/ etc.), how do you:
1. Q: Stop hurting?
2. Try to form other relationships?
In an effort to stop the hurt and try not to think about it, I have completely closed off my heart. That practice has temporarily sufficed to answer the first question... but the second? 4 months after an unexpected and painful breakup, I STILL cannot manage to make myself really like someone else? Why? It's like I sent my heart on a binge for 4 months, didn't exercise it, didn't use it, shut it in a dark room, and just let it rot.. and now, it doesn't work. It's so out of shape that I can't even manage to have a simple crush. I find myself making constant comparisons to my previous relationship and making comparisons between the boys... So now what? How does one get their heart back in shape? How do I keep myself from expecting to see him in every boy I date?

Potential Energy

Day: Sunday, March 21, 2010.
Time: approximately 10.43 am.
Place: Youth Conference Committee Meeting.
Outcome: small epiphany.

There's one boy my age on the committee and luckily we're friends. Today as we were sitting by each other at the meeting, I began doodling on my paper. He stole it and drew a cliff with a sheep walking toward the edge and another already falling. At the bottom was a boiling pot labeled "sheep soup". Clever. I drew an Amish-looking girl smiling sweetly, holding a big ladle, waiting for the sheep. For his turn he drew a dragon heating the soup with its fire and saying "I love sheep soup..." and then proceeded to draw a noose around the girl's neck, attach it to the cliff and draw X's over her eyes. Grim. But I'd go along with it. I drew a vulture circling above the cliff and a girl holding a sword up beneath the dragon. For his turn it was a hunter pointing a gun at the vulture with a bullet and blood coming out it's back. Plus a sword already in the dragon. Oh. And a "nuke"-of course.
Can you picture all of this?
This is where I had a small epiphany. I draw something that could maybe happen; something that holds a slight sense of either doom or the unknown (in the simplest, most juvenile sense). And he finishes it up by removing any question of what happened. It's dead. She's dead. The End.
At the top of the page I wrote "Males, in all things-whether in joint drawings of relationships-seem to be in the habit of killing off any potential energy that presents itself." Have they no decency?
Yes, there are always exceptions to such broad, general statements. But. It does seem to happen more often that girls tend to enjoy the potential energy that comes from meeting a guy, maybe liking him, thinking he maybe likes her, getting to know him etc etc. It's the unknown that's exciting. It's fun. Then the boys go and kill it all off as quickly as possible. It seems to be their nature to remove any mystery they can. They "get a girl" then they're happy for a time. Pleased with the "end result" that, inevitably, just has to end itself.
Personally, I prefer to enjoy the any potential energy that comes my way.
Speaking of which...it's practically spring... :)

Deuchelord: "Hey let's do something!"
BadABeyonce: "OK, after your game?"
"Yes ill come over right after..."
*The magic happens*

a couple days later (Tuesday)...

"So should I believe the things the guys on the team told me that you said about me at practice today?"
"NO! You know I like you Beyonce."
"Hm you sure don't act like it... be careful because I'm friends with those guys too and they tell me everything you say..."

next day (Wednesday)...

"We need to talk"

"OK is there a problem?"

"No, were just not on the same page. I like you I just don't want a relationship."

"Huh OK, whenever you wanna talk lets talk."

"Tomorrow after my game."

next day (Thursday)...

I surprisingly show up at lunch which is a rare occurrence since I don't have a 3/4 period class

and try to avoid going to school at all costs, so Iwalked into the lunch room only to see 80% of

the school clumped on one side watching March Madness and on the other side a single table swarming

with girls (including the X leaning on his shoulder) and one single boy in the middle.. DL. Our eyes meet and the smug look on his face suddenly falls off to a look of "oh crap."

I smile and give a little "Hey, yes that's right, you're screwed." wave,

and turn and walk out the way I came in. (That explains the "I don't want a relationship" crap I guess. He cant have a relationship because he already has too many others..)

Later when he begins a texting conversation there's small talk and finally getting to the point I say:
"So when are you planning on talking?"
an hour later :
"Shoot I forgot we were going to talk"
"You're the one who wanted to... so were not talking then?"
an hour later...:
"Sorry not tonight"

I didn't write back and that's the end of all conversation period up to this point. I have seriously tried everything I can imagine to get him back but although it sounds trite, I've seen the light! Why would you want to make someone love you? They should do that on their own and if they don't they're not worth it! I lost his game again but I did my best and if that's not enough I'm leaving with my pride and confidently walking away knowing I'm better off being alone forever rather than being treated like this.

right?

4 Songs You Ruined For Me

1. Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

2. I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

3. Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

4. Honestly by Cary Brothers

Geez Louise! How long has it been now? Oh just 3 and 1/2 MONTHS.... Come on Blue Jeans. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You CAN hear these songs on the radio and not melt into a sentimental mess of memories, tears, and depression... RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!!!

Infatuation

I'm a romanticist. It's commonly known that the cheesiest scenes in a chick flick have my mind reeling. You see I set up an expectation of how I want my man to be: affectionate, complimentary, thinks the world of me, wants to be either talking or with me every waking moment, let's me wear weird clothes one day/ sweats the next, and yet...... The second I find him, I still only love the idea of him. I really aught to stop with the whole reading romances thing. It's knocked my perception of reality's expectations.
What do you do with a guy you love having around? Just around. You have no desire to seek affection from him. And yet, you love hanging out with him? All I can see is friendship, and yet he has other ideas. Which, I mirrored only days earlier.....oh how things change when you look at the reality of things. I think it was merely a short infatuation? 2 days maybe? What's a girl to do when he still thinks your in the same mindset as those two days? "It's too late to go back now," was the advice given to me... I think he just pitied the fact that I'd be single while he grows ever fonder of Jill. Gee Wills, this is complicated. It's got me sick to my stomache. I feel like everytime I watch Jill and Jack's happiness I want to shy away. It's what I want and also what I'm shoving away. Oh my.... I sound pathetic even to myself.
six word:
I can not wait to graduate.

Oh please. Not again...

How many times can I tell you the same story without sounding like a complete idiot. I think im way past that point, slowly approaching imbicile!

Come on Beyonce... You think i'd learn after the

3rd, no wait 4th.. ok fine, 5th time. Somehow i've let him come back again. But this time has potential to be different... After last times disaster ending with WWIII we completly hated eachother (a month ago) and now its starting completly over, like it never happened but picking up where we left off. Maybe it's different because he's letting me run things, so obviously if im in charge we'll get it right this time right? I guess we'll find out. Ill let you know.. hopefully not too soon though.

Q. Really, how much is 9 years?

Here's the run-down. I met him a week ago under strange and funny circumstances. We bonded over a long car ride. He was initially bothered by my age (or lack thereof) , but has since, it seems, reconciled that feeling, but not to the point of being uninformed or indifferent of it (creepy). Reason tells me that it's a bad idea to get involved with this guy on a variety of bases. The biggest ones are age-related.

1. When I was a squalling infant in my mother's arms, he was learning long division.
2. When I was wishing I could go to school like the big kids, he was losing his virginity.
3. When I was at the last leg of my time using pink Barbie toothpaste, he was heading to college.
4. When I was entering the age of parental defiance, he was living up the college experience and all that entails.

Since I consider myself duty-bound to confess all things unto you, the readers of the Boy Blog, I must also give the reasons that reason might lose this battle. I might add that I am fully aware of their superficial nature.

1. He has a motorcycle. A really, really fast one.
2. He's a certified pilot and is going to take me flying sometime.
3. He's pretty cute.

As I scampered into Alice Child's room last night after his departure, I was accosted with strong accusations of unwise decisions and a forthcoming storm I could be bringing on myself. As Alice and Friends pointed out the flaws in my desire to overlook the age difference (a feat he's seemingly better at than I), I used weak defenses to block their razor-sharp statements. Alice says, "He's going to teach you how to drive his motorcycle, is he? That's not all he wants to teach you!" and all I hear is his voice saying, "You're the cutest thing I've ever seen" (which does actually make me feel young). Alice says, "He's going to take you flying, is he? Is he planning on making you a member of the Mile High Club?" (I had to google it - found it at the urban dictionary website. Of course.) And I just think how much I would LOVE to go flying.

Beyond the previously mentioned superficial reasons that reason may fail, I had to ask myself the unbearable question: do I actually like him? And I don't actually know the answer. I should, I think, like him. I just don't know if I do, and if I don't, all other points are moot. Or, at least, they should be. Right? On top of a myriad of other negatives that I need not discuss, there is the most important that is looming over me like the esca on a deep sea anglerfish.

Q. Really, how much is 9 years?

A. Too much.

Yet Another First Kiss Story

It was a warm July 3rd in the evening after a long day of practicing, technique, and the workplace. I felt like the farthest thing from pretty as we sat on his rooftop talking. It had been a long day, so he decided to take me to a movie. My hair had been thrown into a haphazard ponytail/ braid and my makeup was scarce. And yet, he thought I was beautiful. After the movie we had gone back to his house and sneaked onto the roof where we sat talking about everything. SJ: “So, What would you do if I kissed you right now?” (Oh Shoot!! Now is the time to say something perfectly feminine, Romantic, Cute…) BJB: “um…. I don’t know, maybe you should just do it and find out….?” (This is where I should have quickly stood to my feet and jumped off the roof, plummeting to my death in order to save myself from the months of regret for that awful comment!)/(Smack head on wall)/(There goes romantic, feminine, cute, whatever). However, I resisted and stayed sitting as he smiled then leaned in and kissed me. Let’s just say that I was pretty much terrified to be kissed. It seemed gross and slobbery and surely, I would make some humiliating mistake which would once again prompt a quick escape off the roof. But it was perfect. He was perfect. I was happy. So yeah. That’s the phenomenal story of how Blue Jean Baby lost her virgin lips…. Any thoughts?

Definition of Love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor,

so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or

smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends'

turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts.

Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hello fellow bloggers and readers. I'm Blue Jean Baby. I will be posting a series of posts over the next couple of weeks detailing my recently failed and terminated relationship with someone I'm almost embarrassed to be associated with. The story is being "exposed" merely in an effort to entertain, because, well... it's entertaining. So, I sincerely hope you enjoy my stories and exerpts on the boy blog. I'm so excited to finally be a part of it. Let the exposition begin!!!

my word.

does any one else feel like they are repeatedly screwing themselves over and over again??

Dear-

There are someday when I still wonder what we could have been.


It's been some months since things began to spiral out of control and we lost out soft grip on what we wanted so much. I sit in the fields of swaying wheat and lay in the shade of willow trees and my mind still waltzes in thoughts of you. When my thoughts whisper your name, my mind scatters and scavenges to find the broken pieces of you that hide carefully in the corners of my dusty head. As much as I pretend to be healed and be strong, I still find myself subconsciously smiling at the frozen moments in time that I shared with you.


Frozen moments: that's one way to describe them.


I think about the future, mostly. I constantly as myself if things will honestly work out, if I'll ever see you again, if you'll really always stay my friend. You think that I am worrying about the future, but I'm not. I know, now, that change is inevitable and the pain that I feel I must embrace and burn it as fuel for the journey. But, I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I wonder if you ever feel bad for not calling me, for never stopping by to say hello...I wonder if I died tonight, would you regret anything? Or would you put on the classic attitude saying our friendship was sufficient and you would let your memory of me rest in peace?


Well, that's not up to me.


I'm staring at the stars and wondering if we're still under the same sky, on the same planet, in the same galaxy. For the short time that you haven't seen me I have changed as much as possible. I'm no longer sensitive to distance. I don’t' attach to people to quickly and on such a deep level.


I miss you, but I have vowed to not stick around for you.

dear valentines day

Dear Valentines Day,

glad it happened.

but now i'm confused.

my sense of judgement

is seriously getting abused.

my heart was thumping

straight out of my chest.

this night quickly turned

from better to best.

i can't focus on anything

my mind is doing kart wheels

i am trying to figure out

exactly how you feel.

Valentines day, i am asking you this:

please help me forget anything about that kiss.

the way his hands held mine tightly,

how he sighed when we were through

and he talked like we were together

"i guess it's just me and you."

I can't have my heart

in a cage again

but I want to be anything

except for a friend.

Valentines disappointment... story of my life!

Well to make a long story short... I would have had a lot to say (like usual) about Valentines Day but I got to go to San Fransisco with my family and my Dad's debate team from Cottonwood. Lets just say that could have been an opportunistic Valentines situation but turns out all the debate students at Cottonwood are a little um... strange. So consequently I was alone again. A good alone though. Its good to get away with your family and strange people on a holiday like this to get your mind of things and specific people.
Let me back it up real fast and update you....
So as you know, DL (deuchelord) finished his two month cycle and came back for me. I played it Beyonce hard but even Beyonce has breakdowns I'm sure... Don't get mad yet I have a good story to back me up. I told him he better work freaking hard because I'm not going through his crap again. I said i didn't trust him and if he wanted any kind of relationship, even friendship, he would have to prove it because his word meant nothing to me anymore.

So he did just that.

Worked FREAKING hard and I fell for it again. After two weeks of him being all cutesy and flirty I finally let down a couple layers of the wall id built against him and he plowed through. (Bluntly put he asked me on a date and by the end of the night being all over me, we made out.) So 12:00 his buddy who witnessed him being completely legit all over me texted me

saying

so Beyonce, what has DL told you about him and X. I said um he says they're just friends. He replies um well i think you need to talk to him about that.... At that point I completely knew what had happened. 5 other people texted me that day confirming it so i told the X what happened the previous night. She was pissed. I was pissed. The awesome thing is that i still hadn't heard from DL since the kiss goodnight on Thursday. Saturday night when i was in Vegas i get a text saying hey... RRRR!!!

So I just bluntly asked whats going on with him and X and he says oh well we still have a thing but i like both of you.... Is that supposed to make it ok? He honestly doesn't think hes doing anything wrong... do you know what a player is because your name is in the dictionary!!! So i said a couple choice explicit words and we haven't talked since. This is two weekends now. Something crappy always happens right before Valentines that really helps me wallow in self pity.
Congratulations! You really had me going again! But this just proves how much of a DL you really are and I'm proud to say I'm really over it! Finally closure! And even better... X dumped him so now hes completely alone! That's what happens when you play Beyonce.... for the third time. oh I'm pathetic.

I'm Falling in Hate with Love

I can feel the transformation begin to take hold, to warp, to change;

I'm starting to hate Valentine's Day.

I never thought it could happen to me; all my life I watched as the people around me one by one fell away into bitter negativity, always convinced that I alone could forever remain untouched.

Well Universe, I Concede.

I now cast aside with unfeeling abandon, the girl who used the day to share her love with friends and family. The Romantic Optimist I once was has been outgrown until further notice.

For the first time, I stand with all the lonely people of the world to watch as the holiday rears it's ugly head and grins a mad, sadistic grin at those of us unlucky enough to find ourselves alone on this day of roses and chocolates.

I'm lonely and hormonal, and I just want a freaking Valentine Gosh Dangit!

Ah well, there's always next year.

(Six word post)

Valentines Day-SAD

What is it about this lame holiday that makes jewlers, candy companies, and overly priced restaurants so much money? Well, quite frankly, I hate Valentines Day. The mere mentioning of the words send my eyes rolling back into my head. This holiday is not the celebration of all those you love, let's be honest. It's a celebration for those with lovers, and a Single Awareness Day for the rest of us. So.... Valentines day is just SAD for me. (Please note the acronym) It's become the mose awkward, self esteem killing, heart stomping holiday to endure. Flowers are just flowers, chocolate is cheap, and yet here I am desperately hoping some boy, any boy, will send me a stupid valogram so I don't feel like an idiot tomorrow. Blast... could this weekend hold any more despair? It's bad enough that it's a whole day, but no... we've got to drag it out across three days!

Not that I don't have a date! I just.... have to pay for it. The sweethearts dance, how tender... oh wait I think it's pathetic. This was going to be the one year I'd actually have someone worth spending the money on. I used to think this dance should've been a boy's choice dance until I realized it was a good thing it was for girls. Think about it, a girl doesn't get asked... S.A.D. but if she doesn't go on her own volition.... poor guys. Just saying, it's a good thing. However, after much tribulation, I asked Boy. It'll be fun I'm sure.... I just, pathetically enough, wanted a sweetheart for once! I wanted butterflies at the sight of him, not stuttering out of surprise that he's talking in person to me. I wanted flowers from him, not from my loving father. (Though I still love them of course, thank you dad) But alas.... yet another stupid valentines day comes and goes. Congrats to those who have a man.

Six word: Yes I'm pathetic, what of it?

My Own Something... inspired by New Year Kid

Dear Something,

I hope you're having a wonderful day. No, I really do. I hope you're laughing and talking and being your charming self. I liked talking to you today. I mean, the sentences I said that made sense when I wasn't feeling too anxious to form and verbalize a rational sentence. Not that I'm really worried you think I'm stupid. I know you're dumb. How do I know that, you ask? You're a boy, that's how. Amid other things I know about you. Irrelevant.

I sort of like you. Want to get to know you. Woo hoo! CC Lemon has yet another crush! It doesn't take long, does it? But I'm not sure it matters. I mean, my crushes are always only one-sided. I'm not sure that will ever change. Not that I'm an old maid already, but I was thinking and I realized that all my chances at having a healthy relationship went out the window the second my mom left - the one person who is genetically programmed to love me - GONE.

I'm sorry. That was probably too heavy for a mere acquaintance to hear.

On top of that... I'm moving in a month. I barely have time to do homework and watch the newest episode of Gossip Girl, let alone pine after my newest crush. Even if I did have time, my number one New Year's goal is: NO PINING! Do you see all the dilemmas I face?

But I dared to let myself hope for a second that maybe you want to get to know me better, too. Stupid, stupid CC! Because you're going to be just like the last guy and the guy before him. I pine, I snap, I leave, you ignore. I might be wrong. But I haven't been wrong yet. I'm just throwing that out there.

Something, I'm going to take the weekend to mentally run through our inevitable non-relationship all the way to the end. I'll see you in class in a few days.

Sincerely,

CC Lemondrop

P.S. No boy could ever be better than this Turkey Ranch and Swiss sandwich I'm eating...

something....(2)

I'll laugh at your jokes.

I'll come to your party.

I'll play video games with you.

I'll talk basketball with you.

I'll call you.

I'll text you.

I'll talk to you until 3 am.

I'll eat fast food with you.

I'll stay after school with you.

I'll let you drive me around.

I'll let you hug me.

I'll let you kiss me.

Just give me someone to have.

something...

It has been a while since I've felt this way. There are butterflies, fresh from their cacoons, fluttering around, testing their wings in my stomach. I wake up in the morning and actually go through the motions of getting ready and trying to look pretty just so I can catch your eye for a moment. I find any changes I can to talk about you and my vocab dramtically dumbs down to "like, he totally did!". My hands get all knotted and my eyes become downcast whenever yout ten feet away. My friends laugh at me and say I am "totally in to you". I pretend I am not, shrug it off, laugh it off. But when I'm walking down the halls my eyes turn on their radar and I am scanning every which way and that for you.


Let's put this in to layman's terms:
I think I like you more than I should.
I'm think I'm trying to care for you more than a friend but not enough to get noticed.
I dig what you're givin'.
I feel your vibes.
I'm loving the signs.
I am in to you.


Is it possible for a girl who royally screw up everything, picks a fight with everyone, and is as flighty as humming bird to finally get it right?