My Life is Boring

Wow guys, your last posts were so funny I started laughing out loud in my computer room in front of my sister who now thinks I'm stupid for laughing at a computer screen.

I can't believe that Morp story... It was definitely different on my end when I talked to Jada... He part must have come in after he dropped you off, Freckles! And Red Tulip's story of Matt was priceless and so much better when you wrote it then you told me in person. Matt is an interesting boy who I really think is after one thing in life.

Well ever since breaking up with Taylor, my life is completely boring with nothing to tell... except sadly I'm stupid and I miss him :( I'm so gay and retarded, I know. Who wouldn't miss a freaking 6 pack going off to NATIONALS TO WRESTLE! He is quite amazing... But so not worth it... at least that's what I keep telling myself. Maybe you were right, CC, and I like him more then I think... However I will never admit that... except on this blog...!

Red Tulip

It is time I posted something on this blog. I feel lame for not having such epic stories about my dealings with boys. I'm not going to lie... kissing is outside my expertise, meaning all I've experience is on the cheek, and awkward lip touches. This is what I am choosing to write about.

So... his name is Matt. We've been friends since 8th grade, and he's the type of guy you call a man... well a man whore for lack of a better term. Anyway, he asked me on a date. Now, I didn't get too excited, because you could tell it was definitely a "I'm-reluctant-to-go-on-this-because-there-won't-be-ANYONE-cool-there-so-I-asked-you" type of date. Which I'm okay with, because these types of dates always have the best stories! (Such as this).

Anyway, so he picks me up, and we go to this kids house. We were there with two other couples, all of which seemed to have a higher IQ than me, times ten. We played some bored games, all of which me and Matt would just mess around with. So I'm thinking... Well, at least we're making this fun! Because really, it was awkward.

Continuing, we moved on to the Clue DVD game. It was... fun, whatever. Moving on, they decided to watch Monk. It was only an hour long, so I'm thinking... yes, I just might have time to go hang out with someone else...

Matt grabs a blanket for us to share. He instantly grabs my hand, which isn't even abnormal. Really, he's been holding my hand at every opportunity since 8th grade. I didn't think anything of it. Until, he kept pushing my cheek up against his. Now, I couldn't tell if this was an affectionate gesture... or a Matt-is-being-weird-again move. So finally after my neck had about had it I turned to say something to him. All forms of words left my brain as our lips touched. Not a kiss, just touched. I FROZE. I did not want to be another innocent girl to add to Matt's "I-get-whomever-I-want" list. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to move my lips, because then he'd think it was a kiss. So after what seemed like forever, I pulled away. Matt then says, "You ready to go?"

YES Matt, yes I am ready to go.

So, to skip over the boring parts... he kept taking "accidental" wrong turns to my house. Then proceeded to hold my hand, try to kiss me at a stop sign, and then say how much he liked me. (Yeah....right) By the time we made it to my house, he was set on kissing. Which, I couldn't decide if I wanted to or not. Sure, I wanted to kiss (who wouldn't?) but not him. It just seemed... gross.

Anyway, awkward doorstep scene. He went in for the kiss, and got my cheek. So he started moving down my neck. (which would've been fun, except that it was matt doing it) and so, after he tried 5 million times to get my lips and plenty of, "oh come on!"s, I went inside. Then he sent me psycho texts the next day.

Regrets? Sure, I should've just kissed him like CC would've. But I didn't, so I'm over it.

The End.

The "It's Just Hormones" Theory Proved Wrong

Too exhausted to think of a more witty title. And "The unexpected date that did not come back to the 'It's just hormones' theory" seemed too long.

This tale really should begin before I had a date at all. I'd been planning to ask this kid from my seminary class. As we were leaving seminary I was walking to catch up with him when his girlfriend, yes, his girlfriend, hopped up and held his hand. That could have been a very awkward situation.

So still wanting a date I didn't know well, but feeling a little desperate, I was surprised when Bad A Beyonce found me the next day and said "You should ask Brad to MORP!" mm...my first thought: "how long have you guys been going out, again?" I just laughed and told her she must be kidding. But you see, Bad A's mom has forbidden their relationship to continue so taking him to MORP wasn't happening. Ten minutes later she'd texted me his number and told me that he was excited to go. oh.

I'd planned on treating Brad like a brother. Or just a friend's boyfriend.

Even through text he was really optimistic about everything.(7 points) Bowling was a success. Brad was really good...mmm... but he had an amazing balance between being humble about it while not putting himself down.. (6 points) He smelled good.(4 points) He makes one feel as though he's never thought of himself before and only the comfort of others. When he went to use the bathroom, he actually said "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. I'll be right back." before leaving me... whoa. who's his mother? (7 points)

Even though it was a girls' choice dance he opened every door for me. (5 points) At dinner at Kevin's house, he pulled out my chair for me. (8 points) Then asked if I wanted lemonade and grabbed my glass that I'd forgotten about. (6 points) He told me I looked pretty (or something to that effect) after dinner when I put CC's huge black bow in my hair. (10 points) He never once said anything even slightly demeaning to anyone. Not even in a joking way. So polite. Saying 'excuse me' and 'thank you' even when it might not be necessary. But not in an overwhelming or annoying way. Just casually. (9 points)

At the end of the date I walked him to his door. So he says "Did you have a good time?" Yet again focusing on anyone but himself. (5 points) I awkwardly shook his hand. Hey, don't mock. I was not about to even consider hugging Bad A Beyonce's boyfriend. Not to mention I'm not the "free love, hugging" type. He took that in stride. (4 points)

This whole time I was trying so hard to be super optimistic and energetic and enthusiastic because I was worried about him being uncomfortable or miserable. Mostly I felt inadequate. And highly undeserving.

At the end of this all, I came to an unexpected conclusion. I actually expected myself to be utterly smitten with him in every way. To be honest, I'm not. What I mean is that "It's just hormones" idea never came into play. I never felt that. Yes I was impressed with his supreme gentleman like behavior and his balance between seeming perfection and terrific quirks. But I don't feel like I have a "crush" on him. I feel more like I'd rather just be great friends and get to know him more. The whole spend-time-with-people-who-have-traits-you-want-to-adopt idea...

Is that why I feel unhappy? I think I'd be more normal feeling if I had a big hormonal crush on him haha. But when all I want is to have a new guy friend that doesn't like me (Swede...), it's somehow unsatisfying to know that it's not really plausible. We might say 'hi' now, but hanging out? Yeah right. Bad A Beyonce set up the date, but that does not mean that she would be chipper with me if I attempted some sort of friendship. haha. mm. I feel selfish. self centered. 'tis time to do something for somebody else.

The Goings On in California - Part 2

Where was I? Oh yes. My friends have just arrived at the hotel. The energy is intense. The excitement is pulsing. The sun is bright. The day is full of possibilities. And what does Jenn want? Mexican food.

Off we went on a search for a Mexican restaurant. Down the street I had just an hour earlier been on as I feared for my safety. A boy on a skateboard went rushing through us, splitting up our line. We all turned to get a better look at him. He was looking at us, too. I don't know what I did it, but I definitely don't regret it. I began running toward him. "Hey, hey! Do you want to get Mexican food with us?" He said, "I just ate at Carl's Jr." I said, "Come anyway!" He said, "Okay." Julian became our strong and beautiful knight on our quest to conquer Anaheim.

The first few minutes with Julian were strange. I guess I hadn't really expected him to accept my offer. No one knew quite what to say, so we filled the time with small talk. By the time we entered the restaurant, we were all flowing. He lives with his doctor dad in New Mexico, where he spends his time playing football and skateboarding, or more recently, smoking 'shrooms. We walked all of three miles to the mall, where he dealt with three very different girls screaming and jumping and squealing and laughing and getting fake tattoos. He still wanted to hang out with us the next day. What a trouper.

Sitting in the airport, I don't feel good about going back to Utah with the blizzards and the problems. But here I come...

My Response to Sparkle's Break-Up

First off, I speak for everyone when I say FINALLY. On Saturday night I talked to TS for a little while about the break-up. Sometimes he's a really great guy, mostly around his family. But it seems that he spends too much time thinking he's invincible, thinking he's immortal. It makes him very unpleasant to talk to. I know I do this a lot, but I'd like to give a sampling of the things he and I discussed.

Girls he's kissed while going out with Sparkle. (Too many to count.)

The worst kisser ever. (Stella's friend reminds him of those fish that suck onto the side of their tanks.)

That he hasn't kissed a girl in 3 weeks. (And he was determined to change that within a matter of days.)

The Break-Up. (In Sparkle's grandparent's backyard.)

Why he and Sparkle can't be friends. (Because when he sees Sparkle and he's not with her, he is constantly reminded that he's not good enough for her. When they're together, he knows he is good enough for her. Doesn't that make so much sense?)

The Goings On in California - Part 1

Hello Ladies,

I wouldn't ordinarily be posting on the Boy Blog while on vacation in California, but when I have so much to say (and I'm waiting for my friend to get out of the shower), it seemed necessary. I've had some great times here. I'm here with Jenn, McKenzie and Covey. Each of these girls is beautiful and funny and always up for a good time. I have no idea what our parents were thinking when they let us go to California without any chaperone.

The first day I arrived in Anaheim, I was given the chance to walk around the city by myself for 4 hours. How did this come about? Jenn, McKenzie and Covey have been here a few days longer than me, staying at McKenzie's grandma's house in Long Beach and soaking up the sun on the beach. I flew in Monday morning, and my shuttle dropped me off at the hotel by 11. The girls were supposed to be here around 12:30, but because they are who they are (God bless them), they didn't leave until 2 and wouldn't be here until 2:40. Perfect.

I asked the hotel to hold my luggage so I could explore the area a little more. They said that they would usually let me check in early, but it was pre-paid for and it wasn't under my name, so that idea was shot out the window. Let me paint a visual of that first-day experience in Anaheim. The morning I flew out was a miserable, snowy day, and Anaheim was warm, beautiful and sunny. Imagine you are alone in a city you're completely unfamiliar with. It's technically a safe town (my hotel is less than a mile from the Disneyland entrance), and you know you're going to have to entertain yourself for possibly hours. Naturally, your first instinct would be to buy a giant red slushee from the 7 Eleven next door, then head down the street that's lined with palm trees. Naturally.

I have walked down the Vegas Strip looking glamorous before. I have jogged past construction areas with a slightly-better-than-average bod. I have lain on the beaches of Cancun in less-that-modest attire. But I have never received more catcalls and whistles than what I received that sunny day in Anaheim, walking down the street in ridiculously modest clothes with that "traveler's glow" that makes most people turn away blushing. To a certain point, catcalls can do a lot for your self-esteem. Or simply make you laugh, if you're me. Occasionally, a dude gets enough motivation to do MORE than catcall, such as jump over a bush from the parking lot he was standing in to ask directions to somewhere.

When he jumped over the bush, I considered running. A bush-jumper is obviously displaying some form of desperation, and desperation makes people do crazy things. However, he introduced himself as Danny and began talking to me. I was talking back. The spontaneous street attack was beginning to flow. I was talking to a stranger in every sense of the phrase, but there were plenty of people around, so I disregarded every warning my mother ever gave me and enjoyed the conversation. (I didn't get a single catcall when talking to Danny.)

Things we discussed:

Where I am from. (Utah.)

Why I'm in California. (Friend's 18th birthday.)

How old I am. (18 - oops, it slipped.)

How old he is. (28 - forgive me.)

How he couldn't see me dating guys my own age. (Imagine if he knew I was 16.)

His job. (Auto parts company.)

His dad. (Hated being a lawyer.)

My mom. (Is a lawyer.)

My plans for that week in California. (Party hard. At Disneyland.)

My plans for the following day. (He suggested coffee with him.)

My phone number. (I gave him my real number. Don't know why.)

That night, my phone broke. Goodbye, Danny.

Two hours and a giant red slushee later, I was making my way back to the hotel from Target. My friends were finally leaving Long Beach and would be in Anaheim within the hour. It was a relatively long walk back to the hotel. I'd walked far enough that I was in a slightly less crowded and less nice part of town. I was on the side of the street that very few people seemed to be walking on. That's when I almost got kidnapped.

Allow me to explain. I cannot prove that his intentions were to kidnap me. I cannot prove that anything would have happened. But I can put the pieces together enough to figure out that I was in a bad situation. It started with one whistle. It might have been when I was crossing the street somewhere. I don't remember exactly. But when I recognized the same Mexican in a black car suddenly turning around to FOLLOW me, I knew something fishy was up. (Racism is out. I was just stating the facts.)

He pulled up next to me and motioned for me to come over to him. (Tell me; do I have STUPID written across my forehead???) I smiled a little but but kept walking. I knew my mother would be anxious to give me yet another lecture on stranger danger at this moment. The man drove away and I thought it was over. I was still on edge and was very aware of my surroundings.

I was walking fast, trying to get to an area with more people. I hurried past the entrance to a small, run-down souvenir shop just as a car pulled in right behind me, almost hitting me. I had the strong feeling that I shouldn't turn around until I had gotten further away. I waited a moment before turning around to see the same man in the car, his eyes still on me. He again motioned for me to come over, and started pulling his car around the parking lot to the other side where I was walking. I pulled out my phone and frantically started calling my mom over and over again. I don't know why that was my automatic response. "Hey, there's this creeper trying to get me into his car. I should definitely call my mom who is 264 miles away."

After I realized my mom wasn't going to answer her phone, I got smart and called my dad. Who was at home back in Utah. I told him what was going on and asked him to just stay on the phone with me until I got back to the hotel. I was laughing hysterically, but on the verge of tears. By the time I got back to my hotel, I felt safe and I had regained my composure by the time my friends arrived.

Watch out for Part 2 of The Goings on in California, coming soon!!

The Break-Up... FINALLY!

Yes it is over between me and TS... I swear everyone is having celebration parties. But it is very sad because yes I still like him. I guess you could say I still like the old him, the one in 9th grade and even last year before he started being crazy with the female sex.

Basically it all started last Friday night. He was being a total jerk and so was I and we were kind of already in a fight so… us not getting a long on Friday made it worse. At 12:00 when I got home for curfew I was too upset to go to bed so I turned on Step Up. I have no idea why, it just sounded good… probably because I couldn’t find The Notebook which is what I usually watch when I am depressed.

We were texting and he’s all, "We need to talk," so naturally at 12:30 I found myself leaving my house through the back door with a blanket around me, walking to my grandma and Dados swing set where we were meeting, right next door. When he shows up we start talking and I’m way mad... and blah blah blah - it was over. Then he said then I said then he said... Basically we broke up because he cheated on me a few times in his life, when I was recently at nationals he didn’t even text or call to say good luck, he talks about other girls in front of me, doesn’t act the same at his house when were alone as he does when were at school, he gets what ever he want and it needs to stop.. etc, etc. You guys could probably make up our own reasons!

After we were done talking he was being dramatic saying we wouldn’t talk anymore and how we can't be friends. I had my blanket around me and his because it was really cold. When he started to go home I tried to give it back and he said, "Keep it." Let me inform you this is a huge down comforter blanket; seriously, this thing is huge. I don’t exactly think it was his to give away! This is so funny to me; he was so dramatic - "keep it-" almost like he was saying “Keep it to remember me by even though I live two houses down.”

Now I have this huge down comforter blanket that I don’t know what to do with. I stuffed it in my car at like 2 in the morning and it's still there. I cant just bring it inside because my dad would wonder! I just hope his mom isn’t wondering where her huge down comforter is! If anyone wants to view this artifact you can anytime you see my car. Just look in the back. It's just sitting there. Anyone have any ideas of what I should do with it?

Back to the situation… I really want to be friends, but he doesn't. We’ve hung out once since then so clearly its possible to be friends. I just have to prove this to him. And yes, I do still like him and probably will until I find my future husband. Sadly we just can't be together until he learns how to treat a girl…

I guess there just isn't anymore love around us hahahhhahah... RIP to the great TS.

All Figured Out

I have figured all this out in my brain CC... That’s why I kept saying he is going to be damaged when he’s older because he gets what he wants. He can talk himself into getting anything... good grades, excused absences, out of groundings, out of trouble, and even me. But this is all ok because its finally over... yes, that is right - over. This "getting whatever he wants" was one of the many reasons I ended it. I’m kind of scared for him. Its not healthy to get whatever you want. Really, psychologically, it's not!

I'll post the break-up story soon.

This-Guy-Is-So-Not-Worth-It

Sparkle, I didn't get much sleep last night, and I've been thinking about "this-guy-is-so-not-worth-it" since I woke up. My mind tends to fixate on one thought when I wake up, so I have to write this down or I'll be thinking about it all day.

I was thinking about what you said last week, about how he said "I might as well give up" when you were going to break up with him. I can't believe it's taken me this long to see it, but that's a threat. That's blackmail. That's abuse.

At first I followed what you were saying about how you just didn't care and how you would stay with him if for no other reason than to keep him from doing WORSE things. It's really easy to genuinely care about him. But I don't care how much he says he's going to change or how much you care about him. He is manipulating you into staying with him. Whether it's because he likes sneaking around behind your back or because he genuinely wants to change, either way, it's all about him.

Booty Call Boyfriend

So what do you do when your boyfriend tells you that he is considered booty call to a ton (meaning most all) girls …? That’s what I want to know because clearly it happened to me! And in case you don’t know what booty call is it means a girl can call you up whenever their horny and basically say lets make out (only in different words.)

With that love quotes post I really like Freckles' quote… its sooooo true.
Like honestly think about it… sick but true! Thanks for putting it into perspective!

I think I need some serious this-guy-is-so-not-worth-it talk…

Can't We Just Say, "Hi, I Find You Attractive. Would You Like to Find a Secluded Corner With Me?"

Why is it such a big deal? Can't we just say, "Hi, I find you attractive. Would you like to find a secluded corner with me?" And when we do say that why can't it be okay? What's the deal with "friends with benefits"? CC thinks it's when you get free dental as well as a booty call. But is it morally fine to simply feel needed, liked, cute, sexy, sweet, exciting, hot, validated, and all other hormonally crazy feelings with out getting your heart trashed? Of course we all have different opinions on this subject, but my question is how do we figure out the line between "just for fun" and what is just plain slutty. I think about this moral dilemma way more than is healthy, but I still have no answer. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my decision to tell a boy that I would prefer not to have a boyfriend seeing as I know relationships and love don't last. But now that I've tasted boys I want them all the time... Dang it... Slutty, I am.

7 Quotes I Love (About Love): CC

1. “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra when suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” –Matt Groening

2. “We’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with outs, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” –Anonymous (but I got it from a little plaque at my brother’s psychologist’s office)

3. “Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought – useless and disappointing.” –A Cinderella Story

4. “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no! It is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken.” –Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116

5. “It’s just hormones.” –Freckles

6. “Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.” –Ambrose Bierce

7. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” –Albert Einstein

Hickey Story! Continued...

I'm really excited for Sparkle Lily to be here!

Post more and more posts ladies! I'm glad people are getting back into it instead of just me and CC. :D

Story: If you've read my hickey story, then you know about my sex talk. So Dustin's mom heard about it and had a talk with him. This is somewhat of how it went (from what Dustin told me their conversation went. I wasn't there.)

Dustin's ma: You guys are getting pretty serious
Dustin: uh. Sure..?
Dustin's ma: I'm going to have to buy you more condoms.
(She bought him a box of condoms last year when we first started going out and said, "I'm not giving you permission... but just in case.")
Dustin: Wow. Okay.
Dustin's ma: Have you guys had sex?
Dustin: Hell no, mom. Not everyone is like you and has sex and gets pregnant young and traps the guy into marrying you, gets divorced, and re-married, to the same guy, for doing the same thing all over again. We aren't stupid.
Dustin's ma: Dustin don't be such an a**.

.... and the conversation continues but it becomes irrelevant.

Hello Sparkle Lily

Hello,
I am new.
My name is Sparkle Lily.
I have been cheated on over 10 times.
That is not a lie.
Guys are gay.
Goodbye.

Old Poetry That Just Depressed Me Now

LIGHT unreflected by your face will still reach my eyes, but it cannot bring color to my life.

Air that does not carry your scent may fill my lungs, but I still grasp for breath.

No taste brings me pleasure.

No note awakens my ear,

and the warmth of human touch will ever fail to thaw my heart,

untill that sweet day,

lifetimes away,

that I will again touch you

hear you

kiss you

breathe you

and watch

as your ice-blue eyes once again force light into my life.

Girl Rules

There are a few simple rules I feel like we must recall concerning friends and boys.

1. If she likes him first (or even just says she does first), you don't like him, flirt with him, look at him, or even think about him.

2. Don't participate in any form of PDA in front of your friends; it's annoying.

3. If he's her "sort of boyfriend," don't kiss him. If he claims they aren't together, ask around. You can't trust him on this.

4. If he breaks her heart, break his face.

5. If he cheats on her, elbow him really hard right after he eats a ton of Cafe Rio. (Be careful on this one; he might not ever let you in his house again.)

6. If she "hates" him, but you can tell she secretly is in love with him, DON'T ask her to admit it until she's good and ready, or until she's crying on your bed at 3 AM asking why she isn't happy.

7. If she says she's over him, but you can tell she isn't, DON'T think you have a chance. And DON'T push her to admit she's not over him.

8. Friends don't let friends *re-date.

9. If he sticks his tongue down her throat without permission, grab a golf club and meet him at the park across the street from his house. Bring reinforcements.

10. If you know he's trouble and she won't listen, make sure to be there when the prodigal girl returns, her lesson learned. You'll only alienate her by trying to control her. And most girls like that "trouble" thing anyway.

11. If your friends are telling you he's trouble, you might want to listen. Seriously, folks.

12. If she has just broken up with her boyfriend and is trying to date other people and she really needs you to find a date to double with and go with her, DO IT.

13. Be understanding if your friend can't find a date to double with you.

14. A good lesson from kindergarten... if she says she likes him, don't tell her he picks his nose. She won't forget it. Ever.

15. If she wants to tell you every detail of last night's make-out session, listen. Laugh when appropriate.

16. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

17. If she needs you, and you can tell she needs you, drop the boy like a hot potato and be there for your friend!

18. Don't date her brother. She will not approve.

19. Try not to tell too many guys about the Boy Blog. Too many boys and girls reputations could be ruined.

20. Love your friends and stand by them ALWAYS, especially when they're wrong!

*Re-date: the act of dating a guy after already having broken up one or more times

6 AM

It's past six a.m. and I can't sleep because the thoughts won't stop and the tears won't stop and the sobs won't stop, any one of these issues being sufficient to hinder a good nights rest but the combination being especially problematic.

If someone one day were to dissect me, I have the feeling that it would reveal that I'm only an inch deep, and that the rest of the space inhibiting my admittedly narrow body is just a vacuum. It's how I've felt lately. Not tonight.

There are days and nights, when I've been alone for too long, that I can't seem to stop myself from falling back into the deep recesses of my inner void and tapping into the emotional well that I've worked so hard to bury these past few weeks. Once I'm there, there's no stopping the tidal waves of salt water that force themselves in trails down my cheeks. I'm grateful the wall between CC and I is thick enough to to drown out my cries and allow her an uninterrupted sleep.

The thought continuously occurs to me that I should pray for comfort.

I never do.

I'm not speaking to God right now; it's not Him, it's me.

Besides, I need to feel this way. It's my only release from being the inch-deep psychological anomaly that is my persona in the daylight. I allow myself a constant stream of meaningless distractions that sometimes lasts the entire day and following night, sometimes not.

I seek simple amusements to fill my day and my mind, my eyes and my ears. My brain and heart don't get any input. They just don't. As for feelings, I am allowed one single inch of depth. I learn to just ignore the ugliness that I carry around with me wherever I go, no matter how far I walk, how long I drive, who I talk to or how very many distractions I seek out like a heroin addict does, well, heroin.

And if I bleed, I bleed knowing he may care,
but if I sleep, I sleep to dream of him,
but wake without him there.

because I used to have someone that knew me better than I knew myself, and even when we were separated by thousands of miles, at my lowest moments, I could feel that closeness that no distance ever severed. And I could hold the letters he wrote to me and feel his love seep into me through my eyes and through my fingertips. And I was never, really, alone.

And I know that right this very moment I could get in my car, drive for twenty minutes, knock on his door, and he would hold me like nothing has changed, like the beautiful sun I've revolved around all these years hasn't gone and left me spinning alone in this darkness. And for a little while I could convince myself that if two people really love each other, and they're trying their best to do what's right, and they're selflessly trying to serve the other, that they can be together.

But they can't, and I don't know why.

I don't know anything anymore.

He's not really gone, I just can't have him. And now all I have is the vacuum. The void, the well, the ocean, the inch....

But it only hurts when I'm breathing.

My heart only breaks when it's beating.

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

so I hold my breath

to forget

and it only hurts when I breath.

If My Life Were A Novel, I Probably Wouldn't Read It

Today was semi-eventful. CC took me to meet her faux-family. I followed her to their house in my car while she rode her bike.

I blasted "Boys of Summer" through the window so she wouldn't get, like, bored or whatever.

When I got there, I vaguely noticed some paper taped to the front door. I read it when I left and was amused to read, "Notice #2: The boys of this house must return home immediately after school each day and must remain in the house - without friends - until all No grades, D's, and F's are corrected." There was another paper on the door that I assumed was notice #1. I didn't read it.

When I got in, the first thing I noticed was that the doorway into the kitchen was a brick archway. I know, awesome. I think I said so. I can't tell you what the second thing I noticed was because I didn't happen to be carrying a notepad and pen.

Anyway, sometime after I had finished noticing the first two or more things, I was introduced to the ever so friendly mother, who began with telling me how beautiful she found me (which, naturally, endeared me to her faster than if she had just vowed to donate both her kidneys to my dying first-born child), and then explained to me how unfortunate it was that I had only just missed the fashion show their family had put on consisting of some Already-Been-Loved clothes sent to them by their highly eccentric far away aunt "EVILeen." I immediately liked them better for having an eccentric relative (it would have been best if they had been the family eccentricities, of course, but I guess that's not their fault).

The more time I spent in that house, the more I liked it. You know in those books where they're talking about some place that just feels like home the moment you set foot in it, with that homey atmosphere and warmth and every crevice just oozing of perfect, familial content, or that scene in those movies where the young, attractive lead character walks in for the first time and the oh-so mellow background music starts up and they're just watching everything and the air is filled with laughter and fun and closeness and the jello looks way too much like old cheese and everything is right in the world? And you're watching and your only reaction is 'Hm,' because you didn't even bother thinking about it because places like that don't even exist? Well they do. And they're kind of like this house. You know, kind of.

In any case, I really liked it. I liked it even more when I sat on the couch and saw the greenish-pink-yellowish pillow moving out of the corner of my eye, and I turned and found that I had plopped down inches away from a giant iguana named Gandhi who, it turns out, is not, in fact, a pillow. It was love at first sight. I've finally found my Rebound.

The night continued. I got to explain how I was now living with CC because my parents kicked me out of the house for being out past my ten o'clock curfew and then leaving the house the next day even though I was grounded for being out past my ten o-clock curfew. Later, in between moments of pressing myself tightly against whatever latest object was hindering my attempt to get an arms length between myself and my newest acquaintance, Rex, as in "how many times can I rhyme my name with sex" Rex, I got to explain to the overly curious, touchy, speedo-attired high schoolboy all about how Matt and I had met when I was twelve, had a crush on each other, been best friends for two years, been broken up by my parents for three years which he spent seriously dating one of my best friends, met by chance in the street one night when I was seventeen, started dating, wrote to each other all through his mission, got engaged, planned a wedding, paid for a wedding, cancelled said wedding three days before the wedding, and then broke up. All the while avoiding any actual eye contact with a boy who was practically sitting on my lap the entire time.

And then when I went downstairs and saw this boy James, who used to go to my school.

It was weird, but cool. His hair is all blond now, like mine, and his voice got really deep. Like mine.

Yep, pretty crazy.

Crazy day.

Dear Jack

(Disclaimer: This isn't true. I was just having a boring Saturday night and this sort of just happened. Then I read it and actually liked it.)

Dear Jack,

I know Britt broke your heart. I’m sure she’s a real wench. But come on, man. That was TWO YEARS AGO. Move on – I’m sure she has. As for talking to me about her, you really need to stop. I am showing you an unusual level of patience for your pathetic past. We all have loads of baggage, so you need to learn to stop carrying yours everywhere. Buy a pack mule or something.

Also, would you stop being so gosh-darn sensitive to my feelings? Your ability to tell something is bothering me through a two-word text is astonishing. You obviously have a gift, and it is creepy. Next time you get that “something’s wrong” vibe, remember what I do when you tell me you’re not doing so great; I apologize for my lack of sympathy and move on. You should really learn to do that.

Oh, another thing, Dr. Phil. What was that “I know you want to feel love but you’re scared” crap you tried to give me the other night? Who do you think you are? I already warned you a number of times about what a heartless wench I am. And do you remember what you said to me anyway? “You’re scared to get attached because you’re worried they’ll leave. Why haven’t you learned to give people a try? They might be exactly what you need.” And I tried to shrug it off, I told you I was fine. And you said, “No you’re not! Listen to yourself.” And even when I stopped talking, you had the audacity to ask me if I’m happy. How dare you ask me that? What are you trying to prove? I told you the cold, hard truth: I don’t have to be happy, I just have to be right. What you answered, or just the fact that you answered at all, made me laugh: “That’s the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.” Jack, I truly hate you. Stop analyzing my already screwy mind. It’s twisted beyond repair and it should just take early retirement in Sun City, Florida.

I think it’s only fair to tell you a few things I’ve been refraining from saying. First, you aren’t really a ninja and I DO mock you behind your back. Second, you are probably not going to ever join the CIA and you should start to explore other options. Your dreams were cute, though. Third, you need braces. Fourth, why are you taking a creative writing class if you hate writing? Are you retarded?

That’s all I can think of for now.

Sincerely,

CC Lemondrop

P.S. I’m not going to “live a little and give a chance to let my heart get broke.” That’s one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard. Oh, and it’s broken, not broke, you moron.