Definition of Love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor,

so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or

smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends'

turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts.

Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

Can't We Just Say, "Hi, I Find You Attractive. Would You Like to Find a Secluded Corner With Me?"

Why is it such a big deal? Can't we just say, "Hi, I find you attractive. Would you like to find a secluded corner with me?" And when we do say that why can't it be okay? What's the deal with "friends with benefits"? CC thinks it's when you get free dental as well as a booty call. But is it morally fine to simply feel needed, liked, cute, sexy, sweet, exciting, hot, validated, and all other hormonally crazy feelings with out getting your heart trashed? Of course we all have different opinions on this subject, but my question is how do we figure out the line between "just for fun" and what is just plain slutty. I think about this moral dilemma way more than is healthy, but I still have no answer. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my decision to tell a boy that I would prefer not to have a boyfriend seeing as I know relationships and love don't last. But now that I've tasted boys I want them all the time... Dang it... Slutty, I am.

Things do NOT Change in College

Gah.... I'm so socially stupid about boys. How have I made it to college without getting kissed!!! Or liked? Or crushed on? For heck's sake! I am literally not ok with the way my life is turning out. I'm tired of people wondering if I'm a lesbian! What is my deal...

Story time. So I finally got up the nerve yesterday to ask this guy if I could study with him for our math final. Here's the lowdown on him. He's really wierd, shy, and not "attractive" in the shallow sense of the word. So I figured I might have a chance of SOMETHING... But oh the horror... We meet up at the library like we planned, and I'm looking fabulous(but not overly so.) And ALL he talks about is how much he misses his ex-girlfriend who left last year. I was put off, but I thought that I would push forward anyway. After a good hour and a half of math I told him I needed to go to my roommates art opening at the humanities building. I said that he should come because he should take a break. And sadly enough I'm not so good at being natural and casual, so it was painfully obvious what I was tryin to do. He looked at me awkwardly for a second before saying that he should probably study some more. We parted, and I did NOT look back. I was humiliated. The only consolation is that only have to see him one more time before the class ends for the semester.

So now late at night the question that I'm pondering is when will my life take a turn for the better. Namely, when will it include boys?

Consider This When Choosing Friends

My school’s 80’s dance was about a week ago. It is nigh unto impossible to describe how fun it was to get ready for it. Of course, its “funness level” was diminished when two of my best friends - (ahem, Wanda and Ginger), did not dress up. (FYI: “I was just too busy today” translates into “I wouldn’t be caught dead in those yellow spandex or 4-inch bangs”). Wanda's friend Marigold was stranded at the dance until she convinced Wanda to take her to Purple Turtle to meet some other friends who could give her a ride home. I was invited to go with the three lovely girls, and I agreed, naturally forgetting I was the only one in 80’s apparel.

Ginger, Wanda and Marigold. We are talking about three of the most beautiful girls to ever grace the planet with their presence. I’m not just saying that to enhance the story. These girls are seriously intensely gorgeous. And because Marigold is Marigold, her friends waiting at Purple Turtle were boys. Five of them. Excellent.

Luckily for me, I was ignorant of the wonderful situation I was getting myself into. And to add a cherry on top of the delightful outing, we had a confrontation (sort of) with one of my favorite people. Here is that experience: As we jetted over to Purple Turtle in Wanda's adorable little grandma car, a white truck pulled to the left of us. It was, (naturally), full of boys. I have a bad habit of forgetting when I should duck my head to hide my turquoise eyeshadow, so in classic CC style, I shifted my eyes sneakily to the boy in the passenger’s seat of the truck. A moment later, the truck fell behind us, then proceeded to pull to our right side. It was at this point when we could see the driver, who was such a darling gentleman, he flipped us off. A car full of, with the exception of the hag in the backseat wearing 80’s garb, beautiful girls. Why did he do that? Because it was Jaun Madly. Always a pleasure, Jaun, always a pleasure.

I was still tripping a little bit by the time we arrived at Purple Turtle, which is possibly why I got out of the car with Ginger, Wanda and Marigold. As I stood next to the lovely purple restaurant, shivering, waiting for Aubrey to get in the boy’s car so we could leave, I realized something that immediately brought a smile to my face.

Whenever I see a group of boys, especially where the majority of them are obviously attractive, I pick out the cutest. By pure, sick instinct, I also pick out the less attractive among them, or to be quite frank, “the ugly ones.” Well, if boys are anything like girls, which they aren’t, then I had just been dubbed “the ugly one.” I told Ginger my thoughts, and Ginger, being Ginger, hit me and told me I was ridiculous. I continued to tell her that it was okay, the only reason an unattractive boy hangs out with attractive boys is because he’s the funny one. Maybe the boys in the car had just dubbed me the funny one! Which might explain why I was dressed in 80’s vintage! As I frequently remind my more attractive friends, “Not all of us can get by on good looks.” And as my mom used to always remind me, “Hope springs eternal.” (What does that even mean, mom? I used to think it was in reference to the season, like, I hope spring lasts forever. Since then, I have realized that is not likely).

Moral of the story: Don't hang around people more attractive than you. CC, you MORON.

Identity Crisis

Everyone has their labels. Computer nerd, jock, goth, slut etc etc. I have had trouble defining myself with a label. But it had to happen. Of course no one is permitted to label themselves and the responsibility is therefore left to those around them. I was recently forced to meet my doom. The Tease. It was Gerald that took the initiative of labeling me. He must have just realized the truth. I would have warned him, but I didn't know either...

Being a tease seems hopeless. I should try to change right? Right?? What if I don't want to? What if I realize that it's horrible, that I won't have real relationships, and that boys will eventually, as CC puts it, "give up all hope", and I still can't begin to think about changing? What if I'm so lazy, I don't want to put myself through such an exhausting process? Now that I consider it, I don't know how to be anything else.