You Never Could

Today I miss the way you'd kiss
my hand when I was mad at you
Tonight I miss the way your eyes
would look at me and see right through
my soul, how you could always make me laugh
you put up with my family on my behalf
how locked in your embrace I'd always felt so right
and how we'd always end up on the phone all night

But I will never ever miss the way
you always had to be a couple hours late
and how you never called me

I miss how you would smile nervously
when I saw you stare at me
I miss the ways we spent our days
and how you said I set you free

But I will never ever miss the nights
I laid awake still crying from our latest fight
and how you never called me
And I will never miss those awful days
I came to you and you just pushed me away
how you looked right through me

I'll never miss the way you never could miss me.

On nights like these I cannot seem to stop these tears
You understand just why my head is a mess
when at the end of all those perfect broken years
you left me waiting in that long white dress...

And I still miss the way you'd kiss my hand
when I was mad at you
but please don't try to call me

I'll never miss the way you never could miss me.

Old Poetry That Just Depressed Me Now

LIGHT unreflected by your face will still reach my eyes, but it cannot bring color to my life.

Air that does not carry your scent may fill my lungs, but I still grasp for breath.

No taste brings me pleasure.

No note awakens my ear,

and the warmth of human touch will ever fail to thaw my heart,

untill that sweet day,

lifetimes away,

that I will again touch you

hear you

kiss you

breathe you

and watch

as your ice-blue eyes once again force light into my life.

6 AM

It's past six a.m. and I can't sleep because the thoughts won't stop and the tears won't stop and the sobs won't stop, any one of these issues being sufficient to hinder a good nights rest but the combination being especially problematic.

If someone one day were to dissect me, I have the feeling that it would reveal that I'm only an inch deep, and that the rest of the space inhibiting my admittedly narrow body is just a vacuum. It's how I've felt lately. Not tonight.

There are days and nights, when I've been alone for too long, that I can't seem to stop myself from falling back into the deep recesses of my inner void and tapping into the emotional well that I've worked so hard to bury these past few weeks. Once I'm there, there's no stopping the tidal waves of salt water that force themselves in trails down my cheeks. I'm grateful the wall between CC and I is thick enough to to drown out my cries and allow her an uninterrupted sleep.

The thought continuously occurs to me that I should pray for comfort.

I never do.

I'm not speaking to God right now; it's not Him, it's me.

Besides, I need to feel this way. It's my only release from being the inch-deep psychological anomaly that is my persona in the daylight. I allow myself a constant stream of meaningless distractions that sometimes lasts the entire day and following night, sometimes not.

I seek simple amusements to fill my day and my mind, my eyes and my ears. My brain and heart don't get any input. They just don't. As for feelings, I am allowed one single inch of depth. I learn to just ignore the ugliness that I carry around with me wherever I go, no matter how far I walk, how long I drive, who I talk to or how very many distractions I seek out like a heroin addict does, well, heroin.

And if I bleed, I bleed knowing he may care,
but if I sleep, I sleep to dream of him,
but wake without him there.

because I used to have someone that knew me better than I knew myself, and even when we were separated by thousands of miles, at my lowest moments, I could feel that closeness that no distance ever severed. And I could hold the letters he wrote to me and feel his love seep into me through my eyes and through my fingertips. And I was never, really, alone.

And I know that right this very moment I could get in my car, drive for twenty minutes, knock on his door, and he would hold me like nothing has changed, like the beautiful sun I've revolved around all these years hasn't gone and left me spinning alone in this darkness. And for a little while I could convince myself that if two people really love each other, and they're trying their best to do what's right, and they're selflessly trying to serve the other, that they can be together.

But they can't, and I don't know why.

I don't know anything anymore.

He's not really gone, I just can't have him. And now all I have is the vacuum. The void, the well, the ocean, the inch....

But it only hurts when I'm breathing.

My heart only breaks when it's beating.

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

so I hold my breath

to forget

and it only hurts when I breath.

I'm Keeping Your Hat

Hey girls, my creative writing class has got my creative juices flowing. This is my most recent piece of work. It's beautiful. It's called "I'm Keeping Your Hat." Dedicated to my 8th grade love Jaun Madly. So Jaun... here's what I REALLY think of you.

I’m keeping your hat.

It’s been

crushed

pounded

ripped

dragged

shot

torched

shamed

clobbered

gashed

bleached

stained

drowned

insulted

skewered

bitten

mangled

hung

and flushed.

But I’m going to keep it anyway.

If I ever see you again

Wearing another stupid hat

at a dance

in a car

with your friends

singing

cheering

screaming

or cursing,

All those things I did to your hate

I’m going to do to you.

Freckles' Sad Poem

This poem was written by CC Lemondrop in an e-mail to me. She is a talented individual.

(This is a work of fiction, artistic liberties have been taken and it may contain inside jokes, stories and peanuts.)

Eythan is a funny boy

Who doesn't know what to do.

He likes Freckles and wants her bod

But Rainbow wants him too.

Rainbow is a funny girl

Who likes Eythan dear.

She doesn't want some lame-o crap

But crap isn't a main fear.

Ben is a funny boy

Who Freckles has a thing for.

But he likes Sue, the normal girl

And I can't say much more.

William is a funny boy

Who loves Freckle's true heart.

He'll buy it, steal it, beg and plead,

Just to have a part.

Freckles is a funny girl

With a heart of gold.

She doesn't know how to tell Will

Her heart will not be sold.

Freckles likes a lot of boys,

As friends and lovers and more.

Even though she likes them all,

She's not a dirty bore.

CC is a funny girl

Who wrote this awesome rhyme.

Maybe if you try and try,

You can be like her with time.