Notes To Self

Dear Self,
Oh my heavens... we've been through this before! Stop waiting around, and move on! He has one of those things that makes him untouchable.....you know what I'm talking about....a girlfriend! Yeah, now you remember. Well sparky, what are you going to do now? I'm pretty sure waiting on him is a waste of your time, actually I know it is. Also, if you could please stop with the whole... liking one of your ex's again...that's old stuff too. It leaves us feeling confused and all that jazz. I'm certain that things will clear up, if you follow my orders.
Yours truly,
Self

Dear Self,
Your sappy attitude while watching other people fall in love in chick flicks is nauseating. Life is not a movie! Music doesn't que up when life's moments most need it. Nor are your actions scripted out, so you know what to do. You're wrong, there aren't a series of cute moments, one right after the other, after you fall for someone. As a matter of fact, you've got to play your own music in your car while driving away disappointed with your day. You've got to make your own choices, and hope it works out for the best. Those cute moments happen on a rare day, and is filled with disappointment in between. -If at all. Therefore, stop watching Disney and other chick flicks.
Sincerely,
Self

Dear Self,
Snap out of it. If this was anyone else, you'd be laughing at how pathetic they are.
With Love,
Self

six word: Of course it's not easy anymore...

I'm Pathetic

Wishlist:
1. A boy
2. 18+ years
3. Who doesn't cheat
4. Who wants to hold my hand while we drive
5. Who likes to kiss my cheek as much as my lips
6. Who will let me hang out with my friends a LOT
7. Who tries to understand me instead of change me
8. Who takes care of himself and cares about looking good
9. Who will protect me and keep me safe from others and himself
10. Who doesn't care if I don't want a kiss. He will give me a hug instead

Please, feel free to direct him my way if you see him. I know he's around here somewhere.

Infatuation

I'm a romanticist. It's commonly known that the cheesiest scenes in a chick flick have my mind reeling. You see I set up an expectation of how I want my man to be: affectionate, complimentary, thinks the world of me, wants to be either talking or with me every waking moment, let's me wear weird clothes one day/ sweats the next, and yet...... The second I find him, I still only love the idea of him. I really aught to stop with the whole reading romances thing. It's knocked my perception of reality's expectations.
What do you do with a guy you love having around? Just around. You have no desire to seek affection from him. And yet, you love hanging out with him? All I can see is friendship, and yet he has other ideas. Which, I mirrored only days earlier.....oh how things change when you look at the reality of things. I think it was merely a short infatuation? 2 days maybe? What's a girl to do when he still thinks your in the same mindset as those two days? "It's too late to go back now," was the advice given to me... I think he just pitied the fact that I'd be single while he grows ever fonder of Jill. Gee Wills, this is complicated. It's got me sick to my stomache. I feel like everytime I watch Jill and Jack's happiness I want to shy away. It's what I want and also what I'm shoving away. Oh my.... I sound pathetic even to myself.
six word:
I can not wait to graduate.

Valentines disappointment... story of my life!

Well to make a long story short... I would have had a lot to say (like usual) about Valentines Day but I got to go to San Fransisco with my family and my Dad's debate team from Cottonwood. Lets just say that could have been an opportunistic Valentines situation but turns out all the debate students at Cottonwood are a little um... strange. So consequently I was alone again. A good alone though. Its good to get away with your family and strange people on a holiday like this to get your mind of things and specific people.
Let me back it up real fast and update you....
So as you know, DL (deuchelord) finished his two month cycle and came back for me. I played it Beyonce hard but even Beyonce has breakdowns I'm sure... Don't get mad yet I have a good story to back me up. I told him he better work freaking hard because I'm not going through his crap again. I said i didn't trust him and if he wanted any kind of relationship, even friendship, he would have to prove it because his word meant nothing to me anymore.

So he did just that.

Worked FREAKING hard and I fell for it again. After two weeks of him being all cutesy and flirty I finally let down a couple layers of the wall id built against him and he plowed through. (Bluntly put he asked me on a date and by the end of the night being all over me, we made out.) So 12:00 his buddy who witnessed him being completely legit all over me texted me

saying

so Beyonce, what has DL told you about him and X. I said um he says they're just friends. He replies um well i think you need to talk to him about that.... At that point I completely knew what had happened. 5 other people texted me that day confirming it so i told the X what happened the previous night. She was pissed. I was pissed. The awesome thing is that i still hadn't heard from DL since the kiss goodnight on Thursday. Saturday night when i was in Vegas i get a text saying hey... RRRR!!!

So I just bluntly asked whats going on with him and X and he says oh well we still have a thing but i like both of you.... Is that supposed to make it ok? He honestly doesn't think hes doing anything wrong... do you know what a player is because your name is in the dictionary!!! So i said a couple choice explicit words and we haven't talked since. This is two weekends now. Something crappy always happens right before Valentines that really helps me wallow in self pity.
Congratulations! You really had me going again! But this just proves how much of a DL you really are and I'm proud to say I'm really over it! Finally closure! And even better... X dumped him so now hes completely alone! That's what happens when you play Beyonce.... for the third time. oh I'm pathetic.

No more sob stories

After the strained weeks of still looking for him when I walk into a room, waiting for a call that'll never come, and having my hands feel so...dry.... I finally have moved on. I might have had a re bound---totally not worth it PS, I didn't really think you could be a bad kisser, but yes. It is more than possible!---but I've moved on! It's been atleast a 2 month process, but the guilt is gone. My pain has subsided, and I'm done. I don't even need attention from him at all; it's a great feeling I assure you.
To prove my point, I'd like to relate a story of mixed signals, black man lips (no racist connotations), and snowy nights......

His name is DFS. He's the funniest guy I've ever met. It's like he speaks in sarcasm. My favorite quote from one of our dates, "Stoplights are humans without legs." It means absolutely nothing, and yet I find it hysterical. You can go ahead laugh....now.

So once upon a time, DFS (I'm debating whether I should change it to DuFuS? Just because) Back to trying to sound mature, ahem.... I tried to be bold and I asked him on a date. We went up to temple square, by riding the tracks, and walked around. At one point he grabbed my hand and said, "Now I want you to know that I don't do this often. You should feel special because I hate holding hands, but I'm doing it for you." Now, had anyone else said this, I'd have been like, well fine! Don't hold my hand, see if I care. (Sometimes I take on the persona of a 7 yr. old) However since it was DFS, I actually found it sweet. I'd never really seen him like that; he actually seemed somewhat nervous if that's even possible for him. The evening proceeded without anything else noteworthy. We rode trax home which...I probably should have factored in MoTab concert traffic.... oh well! I guess you don't really mind when it's so crowded DFS' back is at the back of the train car.... and you conveniently end up in his arms for the duration of the 30 minute ride home. *cough*cough*It really wasn't my idea* Anyway, we just went and watched a movie till we decided to go home. I drove him home, he mocked my driving which wasn't entirely undeserved seeing as how I couldn't even get the key out of the ignition earlier....(it was my brother's car which had 4 wheel drive, it's my only defense!)

Now the story you've all been waiting for..... when I say "all" I mean CC and Freckles....
We pulled up at his house and he says, " well I guess now would be the time for me to kiss you..." Can I just remark upon how awkward I can be? Do I respond with a witty, confidently said, "yes I guess I'll let you," in the same sarcastic tone? Oh no.... I have to have a mind wipe and say, "If you want to?" in a mousy, quiet, and confused tone. Oh heavens...... we then have a short meaningless small talk that only exaggerates the fact that sometimes.... I need to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT! Enjoy the moment, if you will. Then he opens the door and says, "well I guess I'll be leaving now..." He turns for a split second, and then swivels around as he shuts the door again. My heart starts leaping out of my chest as his hand pulls my face slowly towards his, just gently..... he leans in and kisses me. Might I add that he has the biggest lips I've ever seen on any white man at all? I mean really, I didn't think it'd matter, but it does. Girls....it does. You haven't been kissed till you've been kissed by DFS. They almost... fold around yours. I can't tell if this is a good mental image or a gross one... but really it was a tender moment. We kissed a few times, and again my mind was.....blank except for me thinking constantly about how great this was because of his lips! Sometimes I can be such a...girl. As I drove away, I didn't even care that it was a snow storm outside or even that I had no idea what this meant but......it was a great night. I let out a girlish squeal of delight, unfortunately out loud (I'm embarassed to admit) as I drove away. The End.
Are you happy now CC?

And this leaves me with the condition of getting excited at every vibration...just in case it's him. I've now checked my sent box and outbox just to make sure my last message sent..... that was a side note. I now can't even feel like I'm in the room when he's there until he's acknowledged me....why must I be so pathetic?

Six word:
Pathetic heart: just got a jumpstart