my word.

does any one else feel like they are repeatedly screwing themselves over and over again??

Dear-

There are someday when I still wonder what we could have been.


It's been some months since things began to spiral out of control and we lost out soft grip on what we wanted so much. I sit in the fields of swaying wheat and lay in the shade of willow trees and my mind still waltzes in thoughts of you. When my thoughts whisper your name, my mind scatters and scavenges to find the broken pieces of you that hide carefully in the corners of my dusty head. As much as I pretend to be healed and be strong, I still find myself subconsciously smiling at the frozen moments in time that I shared with you.


Frozen moments: that's one way to describe them.


I think about the future, mostly. I constantly as myself if things will honestly work out, if I'll ever see you again, if you'll really always stay my friend. You think that I am worrying about the future, but I'm not. I know, now, that change is inevitable and the pain that I feel I must embrace and burn it as fuel for the journey. But, I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I wonder if you ever feel bad for not calling me, for never stopping by to say hello...I wonder if I died tonight, would you regret anything? Or would you put on the classic attitude saying our friendship was sufficient and you would let your memory of me rest in peace?


Well, that's not up to me.


I'm staring at the stars and wondering if we're still under the same sky, on the same planet, in the same galaxy. For the short time that you haven't seen me I have changed as much as possible. I'm no longer sensitive to distance. I don’t' attach to people to quickly and on such a deep level.


I miss you, but I have vowed to not stick around for you.

dear valentines day

Dear Valentines Day,

glad it happened.

but now i'm confused.

my sense of judgement

is seriously getting abused.

my heart was thumping

straight out of my chest.

this night quickly turned

from better to best.

i can't focus on anything

my mind is doing kart wheels

i am trying to figure out

exactly how you feel.

Valentines day, i am asking you this:

please help me forget anything about that kiss.

the way his hands held mine tightly,

how he sighed when we were through

and he talked like we were together

"i guess it's just me and you."

I can't have my heart

in a cage again

but I want to be anything

except for a friend.

Valentines disappointment... story of my life!

Well to make a long story short... I would have had a lot to say (like usual) about Valentines Day but I got to go to San Fransisco with my family and my Dad's debate team from Cottonwood. Lets just say that could have been an opportunistic Valentines situation but turns out all the debate students at Cottonwood are a little um... strange. So consequently I was alone again. A good alone though. Its good to get away with your family and strange people on a holiday like this to get your mind of things and specific people.
Let me back it up real fast and update you....
So as you know, DL (deuchelord) finished his two month cycle and came back for me. I played it Beyonce hard but even Beyonce has breakdowns I'm sure... Don't get mad yet I have a good story to back me up. I told him he better work freaking hard because I'm not going through his crap again. I said i didn't trust him and if he wanted any kind of relationship, even friendship, he would have to prove it because his word meant nothing to me anymore.

So he did just that.

Worked FREAKING hard and I fell for it again. After two weeks of him being all cutesy and flirty I finally let down a couple layers of the wall id built against him and he plowed through. (Bluntly put he asked me on a date and by the end of the night being all over me, we made out.) So 12:00 his buddy who witnessed him being completely legit all over me texted me

saying

so Beyonce, what has DL told you about him and X. I said um he says they're just friends. He replies um well i think you need to talk to him about that.... At that point I completely knew what had happened. 5 other people texted me that day confirming it so i told the X what happened the previous night. She was pissed. I was pissed. The awesome thing is that i still hadn't heard from DL since the kiss goodnight on Thursday. Saturday night when i was in Vegas i get a text saying hey... RRRR!!!

So I just bluntly asked whats going on with him and X and he says oh well we still have a thing but i like both of you.... Is that supposed to make it ok? He honestly doesn't think hes doing anything wrong... do you know what a player is because your name is in the dictionary!!! So i said a couple choice explicit words and we haven't talked since. This is two weekends now. Something crappy always happens right before Valentines that really helps me wallow in self pity.
Congratulations! You really had me going again! But this just proves how much of a DL you really are and I'm proud to say I'm really over it! Finally closure! And even better... X dumped him so now hes completely alone! That's what happens when you play Beyonce.... for the third time. oh I'm pathetic.

I'm Falling in Hate with Love

I can feel the transformation begin to take hold, to warp, to change;

I'm starting to hate Valentine's Day.

I never thought it could happen to me; all my life I watched as the people around me one by one fell away into bitter negativity, always convinced that I alone could forever remain untouched.

Well Universe, I Concede.

I now cast aside with unfeeling abandon, the girl who used the day to share her love with friends and family. The Romantic Optimist I once was has been outgrown until further notice.

For the first time, I stand with all the lonely people of the world to watch as the holiday rears it's ugly head and grins a mad, sadistic grin at those of us unlucky enough to find ourselves alone on this day of roses and chocolates.

I'm lonely and hormonal, and I just want a freaking Valentine Gosh Dangit!

Ah well, there's always next year.

(Six word post)

Valentines Day-SAD

What is it about this lame holiday that makes jewlers, candy companies, and overly priced restaurants so much money? Well, quite frankly, I hate Valentines Day. The mere mentioning of the words send my eyes rolling back into my head. This holiday is not the celebration of all those you love, let's be honest. It's a celebration for those with lovers, and a Single Awareness Day for the rest of us. So.... Valentines day is just SAD for me. (Please note the acronym) It's become the mose awkward, self esteem killing, heart stomping holiday to endure. Flowers are just flowers, chocolate is cheap, and yet here I am desperately hoping some boy, any boy, will send me a stupid valogram so I don't feel like an idiot tomorrow. Blast... could this weekend hold any more despair? It's bad enough that it's a whole day, but no... we've got to drag it out across three days!

Not that I don't have a date! I just.... have to pay for it. The sweethearts dance, how tender... oh wait I think it's pathetic. This was going to be the one year I'd actually have someone worth spending the money on. I used to think this dance should've been a boy's choice dance until I realized it was a good thing it was for girls. Think about it, a girl doesn't get asked... S.A.D. but if she doesn't go on her own volition.... poor guys. Just saying, it's a good thing. However, after much tribulation, I asked Boy. It'll be fun I'm sure.... I just, pathetically enough, wanted a sweetheart for once! I wanted butterflies at the sight of him, not stuttering out of surprise that he's talking in person to me. I wanted flowers from him, not from my loving father. (Though I still love them of course, thank you dad) But alas.... yet another stupid valentines day comes and goes. Congrats to those who have a man.

Six word: Yes I'm pathetic, what of it?

My Own Something... inspired by New Year Kid

Dear Something,

I hope you're having a wonderful day. No, I really do. I hope you're laughing and talking and being your charming self. I liked talking to you today. I mean, the sentences I said that made sense when I wasn't feeling too anxious to form and verbalize a rational sentence. Not that I'm really worried you think I'm stupid. I know you're dumb. How do I know that, you ask? You're a boy, that's how. Amid other things I know about you. Irrelevant.

I sort of like you. Want to get to know you. Woo hoo! CC Lemon has yet another crush! It doesn't take long, does it? But I'm not sure it matters. I mean, my crushes are always only one-sided. I'm not sure that will ever change. Not that I'm an old maid already, but I was thinking and I realized that all my chances at having a healthy relationship went out the window the second my mom left - the one person who is genetically programmed to love me - GONE.

I'm sorry. That was probably too heavy for a mere acquaintance to hear.

On top of that... I'm moving in a month. I barely have time to do homework and watch the newest episode of Gossip Girl, let alone pine after my newest crush. Even if I did have time, my number one New Year's goal is: NO PINING! Do you see all the dilemmas I face?

But I dared to let myself hope for a second that maybe you want to get to know me better, too. Stupid, stupid CC! Because you're going to be just like the last guy and the guy before him. I pine, I snap, I leave, you ignore. I might be wrong. But I haven't been wrong yet. I'm just throwing that out there.

Something, I'm going to take the weekend to mentally run through our inevitable non-relationship all the way to the end. I'll see you in class in a few days.

Sincerely,

CC Lemondrop

P.S. No boy could ever be better than this Turkey Ranch and Swiss sandwich I'm eating...

something....(2)

I'll laugh at your jokes.

I'll come to your party.

I'll play video games with you.

I'll talk basketball with you.

I'll call you.

I'll text you.

I'll talk to you until 3 am.

I'll eat fast food with you.

I'll stay after school with you.

I'll let you drive me around.

I'll let you hug me.

I'll let you kiss me.

Just give me someone to have.

something...

It has been a while since I've felt this way. There are butterflies, fresh from their cacoons, fluttering around, testing their wings in my stomach. I wake up in the morning and actually go through the motions of getting ready and trying to look pretty just so I can catch your eye for a moment. I find any changes I can to talk about you and my vocab dramtically dumbs down to "like, he totally did!". My hands get all knotted and my eyes become downcast whenever yout ten feet away. My friends laugh at me and say I am "totally in to you". I pretend I am not, shrug it off, laugh it off. But when I'm walking down the halls my eyes turn on their radar and I am scanning every which way and that for you.


Let's put this in to layman's terms:
I think I like you more than I should.
I'm think I'm trying to care for you more than a friend but not enough to get noticed.
I dig what you're givin'.
I feel your vibes.
I'm loving the signs.
I am in to you.


Is it possible for a girl who royally screw up everything, picks a fight with everyone, and is as flighty as humming bird to finally get it right?