Dear Jack

(Disclaimer: This isn't true. I was just having a boring Saturday night and this sort of just happened. Then I read it and actually liked it.)

Dear Jack,

I know Britt broke your heart. I’m sure she’s a real wench. But come on, man. That was TWO YEARS AGO. Move on – I’m sure she has. As for talking to me about her, you really need to stop. I am showing you an unusual level of patience for your pathetic past. We all have loads of baggage, so you need to learn to stop carrying yours everywhere. Buy a pack mule or something.

Also, would you stop being so gosh-darn sensitive to my feelings? Your ability to tell something is bothering me through a two-word text is astonishing. You obviously have a gift, and it is creepy. Next time you get that “something’s wrong” vibe, remember what I do when you tell me you’re not doing so great; I apologize for my lack of sympathy and move on. You should really learn to do that.

Oh, another thing, Dr. Phil. What was that “I know you want to feel love but you’re scared” crap you tried to give me the other night? Who do you think you are? I already warned you a number of times about what a heartless wench I am. And do you remember what you said to me anyway? “You’re scared to get attached because you’re worried they’ll leave. Why haven’t you learned to give people a try? They might be exactly what you need.” And I tried to shrug it off, I told you I was fine. And you said, “No you’re not! Listen to yourself.” And even when I stopped talking, you had the audacity to ask me if I’m happy. How dare you ask me that? What are you trying to prove? I told you the cold, hard truth: I don’t have to be happy, I just have to be right. What you answered, or just the fact that you answered at all, made me laugh: “That’s the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.” Jack, I truly hate you. Stop analyzing my already screwy mind. It’s twisted beyond repair and it should just take early retirement in Sun City, Florida.

I think it’s only fair to tell you a few things I’ve been refraining from saying. First, you aren’t really a ninja and I DO mock you behind your back. Second, you are probably not going to ever join the CIA and you should start to explore other options. Your dreams were cute, though. Third, you need braces. Fourth, why are you taking a creative writing class if you hate writing? Are you retarded?

That’s all I can think of for now.

Sincerely,

CC Lemondrop

P.S. I’m not going to “live a little and give a chance to let my heart get broke.” That’s one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard. Oh, and it’s broken, not broke, you moron.