so frustrated....

OK I'm probably going to regret this one but I need to vent and I figured that this is probably the safest place... plus I need good advice!

First off.... what's with all the freaking SLUTS at our school and why do they always have men? They always get asked to dances, the hot guys are always flirting with them and even the good boys (or so I thought) who call them sluts would pay 20 bucks for a one night hook up with them.

Second of all... do boys understand what they're saying when they tell you they can't have a girlfriend because of their mission? IT MEANS NO GIRLFRIEND UNTIL THEIR MISSION!! not get a new one... and not to go get on a ho!!!!

Story behind the anger...

DL. Yes I hate him but it still hurts knowing that he's hooking up with anything with boobs. I just think better of him I guess. And he asked to hang out over spring break! I dont understand his motives!! I have this image of him dressed as a noble missionary but lately the picture is changing to him rapidly taking the suit off for a night with the drill team (total stereotype, only a few girls on drill sorry). I'm PISSED. They've ruined him when he should be with ME!! rrrr OK once again being selfish. but seriously! What the HE!! So now Derek's beezy gf is hooking up with my dlXbf so were both pissed and its not going over well. Any advice?

Oh and tomorrow is April fools... so hes screwed :)

IM SICK OF HIGH SCHOOL!!

Stupid Boy

Way to ruin my day. Singlehandedly, the male sex has managed to completely reduce my self esteem to nothingess in a matter of 45 minutes in a series of dirty looks (thank you, ex boyfriend), swear words (via jack @$$), an openly stated opinion that I am fat (from a 200+ lbs. man). Now all I need is for my date to MORP to cancel on me because I'm ugly or something. To complete my vent of the day... I cried in front of all of the offenders, and what did they do? give more dirty looks, whisper and laugh. Perfect. Way to go boys. And you wonder why I don't want another boyfriend in high school... Just ask me boys. I dare you. See what happens to your car/ pride/ face/ ability to procreate.

When Life Gives You Lemons

Dear Readers and Bloggers alike,
I have failed to determine the answer to, what I feel is, a vital question. When you find yourself in a position where you've been taken advantage of (used/ cheated on/ lied to/ etc.), how do you:
1. Q: Stop hurting?
2. Try to form other relationships?
In an effort to stop the hurt and try not to think about it, I have completely closed off my heart. That practice has temporarily sufficed to answer the first question... but the second? 4 months after an unexpected and painful breakup, I STILL cannot manage to make myself really like someone else? Why? It's like I sent my heart on a binge for 4 months, didn't exercise it, didn't use it, shut it in a dark room, and just let it rot.. and now, it doesn't work. It's so out of shape that I can't even manage to have a simple crush. I find myself making constant comparisons to my previous relationship and making comparisons between the boys... So now what? How does one get their heart back in shape? How do I keep myself from expecting to see him in every boy I date?

Potential Energy

Day: Sunday, March 21, 2010.
Time: approximately 10.43 am.
Place: Youth Conference Committee Meeting.
Outcome: small epiphany.

There's one boy my age on the committee and luckily we're friends. Today as we were sitting by each other at the meeting, I began doodling on my paper. He stole it and drew a cliff with a sheep walking toward the edge and another already falling. At the bottom was a boiling pot labeled "sheep soup". Clever. I drew an Amish-looking girl smiling sweetly, holding a big ladle, waiting for the sheep. For his turn he drew a dragon heating the soup with its fire and saying "I love sheep soup..." and then proceeded to draw a noose around the girl's neck, attach it to the cliff and draw X's over her eyes. Grim. But I'd go along with it. I drew a vulture circling above the cliff and a girl holding a sword up beneath the dragon. For his turn it was a hunter pointing a gun at the vulture with a bullet and blood coming out it's back. Plus a sword already in the dragon. Oh. And a "nuke"-of course.
Can you picture all of this?
This is where I had a small epiphany. I draw something that could maybe happen; something that holds a slight sense of either doom or the unknown (in the simplest, most juvenile sense). And he finishes it up by removing any question of what happened. It's dead. She's dead. The End.
At the top of the page I wrote "Males, in all things-whether in joint drawings of relationships-seem to be in the habit of killing off any potential energy that presents itself." Have they no decency?
Yes, there are always exceptions to such broad, general statements. But. It does seem to happen more often that girls tend to enjoy the potential energy that comes from meeting a guy, maybe liking him, thinking he maybe likes her, getting to know him etc etc. It's the unknown that's exciting. It's fun. Then the boys go and kill it all off as quickly as possible. It seems to be their nature to remove any mystery they can. They "get a girl" then they're happy for a time. Pleased with the "end result" that, inevitably, just has to end itself.
Personally, I prefer to enjoy the any potential energy that comes my way.
Speaking of which...it's practically spring... :)

Deuchelord: "Hey let's do something!"
BadABeyonce: "OK, after your game?"
"Yes ill come over right after..."
*The magic happens*

a couple days later (Tuesday)...

"So should I believe the things the guys on the team told me that you said about me at practice today?"
"NO! You know I like you Beyonce."
"Hm you sure don't act like it... be careful because I'm friends with those guys too and they tell me everything you say..."

next day (Wednesday)...

"We need to talk"

"OK is there a problem?"

"No, were just not on the same page. I like you I just don't want a relationship."

"Huh OK, whenever you wanna talk lets talk."

"Tomorrow after my game."

next day (Thursday)...

I surprisingly show up at lunch which is a rare occurrence since I don't have a 3/4 period class

and try to avoid going to school at all costs, so Iwalked into the lunch room only to see 80% of

the school clumped on one side watching March Madness and on the other side a single table swarming

with girls (including the X leaning on his shoulder) and one single boy in the middle.. DL. Our eyes meet and the smug look on his face suddenly falls off to a look of "oh crap."

I smile and give a little "Hey, yes that's right, you're screwed." wave,

and turn and walk out the way I came in. (That explains the "I don't want a relationship" crap I guess. He cant have a relationship because he already has too many others..)

Later when he begins a texting conversation there's small talk and finally getting to the point I say:
"So when are you planning on talking?"
an hour later :
"Shoot I forgot we were going to talk"
"You're the one who wanted to... so were not talking then?"
an hour later...:
"Sorry not tonight"

I didn't write back and that's the end of all conversation period up to this point. I have seriously tried everything I can imagine to get him back but although it sounds trite, I've seen the light! Why would you want to make someone love you? They should do that on their own and if they don't they're not worth it! I lost his game again but I did my best and if that's not enough I'm leaving with my pride and confidently walking away knowing I'm better off being alone forever rather than being treated like this.

right?

4 Songs You Ruined For Me

1. Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

2. I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

3. Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

4. Honestly by Cary Brothers

Geez Louise! How long has it been now? Oh just 3 and 1/2 MONTHS.... Come on Blue Jeans. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You CAN hear these songs on the radio and not melt into a sentimental mess of memories, tears, and depression... RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!!!

Infatuation

I'm a romanticist. It's commonly known that the cheesiest scenes in a chick flick have my mind reeling. You see I set up an expectation of how I want my man to be: affectionate, complimentary, thinks the world of me, wants to be either talking or with me every waking moment, let's me wear weird clothes one day/ sweats the next, and yet...... The second I find him, I still only love the idea of him. I really aught to stop with the whole reading romances thing. It's knocked my perception of reality's expectations.
What do you do with a guy you love having around? Just around. You have no desire to seek affection from him. And yet, you love hanging out with him? All I can see is friendship, and yet he has other ideas. Which, I mirrored only days earlier.....oh how things change when you look at the reality of things. I think it was merely a short infatuation? 2 days maybe? What's a girl to do when he still thinks your in the same mindset as those two days? "It's too late to go back now," was the advice given to me... I think he just pitied the fact that I'd be single while he grows ever fonder of Jill. Gee Wills, this is complicated. It's got me sick to my stomache. I feel like everytime I watch Jill and Jack's happiness I want to shy away. It's what I want and also what I'm shoving away. Oh my.... I sound pathetic even to myself.
six word:
I can not wait to graduate.

Oh please. Not again...

How many times can I tell you the same story without sounding like a complete idiot. I think im way past that point, slowly approaching imbicile!

Come on Beyonce... You think i'd learn after the

3rd, no wait 4th.. ok fine, 5th time. Somehow i've let him come back again. But this time has potential to be different... After last times disaster ending with WWIII we completly hated eachother (a month ago) and now its starting completly over, like it never happened but picking up where we left off. Maybe it's different because he's letting me run things, so obviously if im in charge we'll get it right this time right? I guess we'll find out. Ill let you know.. hopefully not too soon though.

Q. Really, how much is 9 years?

Here's the run-down. I met him a week ago under strange and funny circumstances. We bonded over a long car ride. He was initially bothered by my age (or lack thereof) , but has since, it seems, reconciled that feeling, but not to the point of being uninformed or indifferent of it (creepy). Reason tells me that it's a bad idea to get involved with this guy on a variety of bases. The biggest ones are age-related.

1. When I was a squalling infant in my mother's arms, he was learning long division.
2. When I was wishing I could go to school like the big kids, he was losing his virginity.
3. When I was at the last leg of my time using pink Barbie toothpaste, he was heading to college.
4. When I was entering the age of parental defiance, he was living up the college experience and all that entails.

Since I consider myself duty-bound to confess all things unto you, the readers of the Boy Blog, I must also give the reasons that reason might lose this battle. I might add that I am fully aware of their superficial nature.

1. He has a motorcycle. A really, really fast one.
2. He's a certified pilot and is going to take me flying sometime.
3. He's pretty cute.

As I scampered into Alice Child's room last night after his departure, I was accosted with strong accusations of unwise decisions and a forthcoming storm I could be bringing on myself. As Alice and Friends pointed out the flaws in my desire to overlook the age difference (a feat he's seemingly better at than I), I used weak defenses to block their razor-sharp statements. Alice says, "He's going to teach you how to drive his motorcycle, is he? That's not all he wants to teach you!" and all I hear is his voice saying, "You're the cutest thing I've ever seen" (which does actually make me feel young). Alice says, "He's going to take you flying, is he? Is he planning on making you a member of the Mile High Club?" (I had to google it - found it at the urban dictionary website. Of course.) And I just think how much I would LOVE to go flying.

Beyond the previously mentioned superficial reasons that reason may fail, I had to ask myself the unbearable question: do I actually like him? And I don't actually know the answer. I should, I think, like him. I just don't know if I do, and if I don't, all other points are moot. Or, at least, they should be. Right? On top of a myriad of other negatives that I need not discuss, there is the most important that is looming over me like the esca on a deep sea anglerfish.

Q. Really, how much is 9 years?

A. Too much.

Yet Another First Kiss Story

It was a warm July 3rd in the evening after a long day of practicing, technique, and the workplace. I felt like the farthest thing from pretty as we sat on his rooftop talking. It had been a long day, so he decided to take me to a movie. My hair had been thrown into a haphazard ponytail/ braid and my makeup was scarce. And yet, he thought I was beautiful. After the movie we had gone back to his house and sneaked onto the roof where we sat talking about everything. SJ: “So, What would you do if I kissed you right now?” (Oh Shoot!! Now is the time to say something perfectly feminine, Romantic, Cute…) BJB: “um…. I don’t know, maybe you should just do it and find out….?” (This is where I should have quickly stood to my feet and jumped off the roof, plummeting to my death in order to save myself from the months of regret for that awful comment!)/(Smack head on wall)/(There goes romantic, feminine, cute, whatever). However, I resisted and stayed sitting as he smiled then leaned in and kissed me. Let’s just say that I was pretty much terrified to be kissed. It seemed gross and slobbery and surely, I would make some humiliating mistake which would once again prompt a quick escape off the roof. But it was perfect. He was perfect. I was happy. So yeah. That’s the phenomenal story of how Blue Jean Baby lost her virgin lips…. Any thoughts?

Definition of Love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor,

so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or

smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends'

turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts.

Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hello fellow bloggers and readers. I'm Blue Jean Baby. I will be posting a series of posts over the next couple of weeks detailing my recently failed and terminated relationship with someone I'm almost embarrassed to be associated with. The story is being "exposed" merely in an effort to entertain, because, well... it's entertaining. So, I sincerely hope you enjoy my stories and exerpts on the boy blog. I'm so excited to finally be a part of it. Let the exposition begin!!!