Prom

I've been asked to prom by Paul. No, not CC's Paul. (There must be something in the name.) As such, I am nothing but estatic to go with him! Seriously, I get a butterfly-in-my-stomach sort of feeling everytime I think about it. (Okay, call me cheesy, it's okay) Anyway, so then I start to think it through. Because of course, I am Red Tulip and over think anything and everything.

So I start thinking....

I have come to three possible reasons why Paul has asked me:

• Paul is my friend, and wanted to go to prom with a friend.

Why this is likely.... Paul is sweet, charming, charismatic, and... very flirtacious. Girls can't help but atleast think about liking him. Paul however, probably thinks nothing of it. He's easy going most of the time.

• Paul genuinely likes me, and wanted to go to prom because this is his "way of showing it." Because as previously stated on this blog... you just don't talk to boys about your feelings. Basically, this has never even been a subject topic for us.

Why this is unlikely... Look at the description above under my first conclusion. Need I say more? I'll expound... It's like he sends mixed signals. (What a shocker! Close the open mouth please)

• Paul thinks, okay maybe even knows, that I sort of, kind of, okay probably like him. I'm so confused, I don't even know myself. Anyway, so he asked out of pity or just to be nice.

Why this is extremely likely... I didn't think I was the type of girl to show a guy that I liked him, not until I had atleast a hint to what he was thinking. But, apparently a lot of people say they can see it. CRAP. That goes against my personal code or what not. I'm really leaning towards this option, not because I'm pessimistic, but realistic. I mean honestly....

Anyway, those are my conclusions. I'm going to pretend like I didn't think this through at all, and have a good time regardless. Like I said... butterfly feeling, I swear!

Love Me or Leave Me

We had just met and you said I was beautiful
all that you said made me think you were wonderful
and we stayed up all night
and we talked about life
and you told me I was
beautiful

And then came that party, I met all your friends
there were pretty girls as thick as air
and the longer I stayed
the clearer it became
that you couldn't see me there

Don't treat me like I'm special if I'm not
and never will be
my heart just cannot take another shot
of jealousy
don't look at me like I'm your world
then look that way at another girl
I deserve better
don't have to believe me
but I can't live like this
so love me
or leave me

You say that I'm smart, I can tell that you mean it
you tell me I'm funny, I know you believe it
you're the kind of guy
who cannot tell a lie
and you don't know that you're
beautiful

But don't treat me like I'm special if I'm not
and never will be
my heart just cannot take another shot
of jealousy
don't look at me like I'm your world
then look that way at another girl
I deserve better
don't have to believe me
but I can't live like this
so love me
or leave me

And don't
make me laugh so much
and don't
smile when we touch
and don't
tell me that we can be friends
when it either begins or it ends

And don't treat me like I'm special if I'm not
and never will be
my heart just cannot take another shot
of jealousy
don't look at me like I'm your world
then look that way at another girl
I deserve better
don't have to believe me
but I can't live like this
so love me
or leave me

Sober

Hi. My name is Alice and I'm a love-aholic. I have been clean now for two months and six days.

Hi Alice.

I haven't cried myself to sleep in weeks. I have made new friends. I've been on dates. I've had endless fun. I'm terrified of being alone. I have given my number to a dozen boys in the past two weeks alone. I do what I want. I feel sexy. People like me. I hang out with guys. I talk to strangers.

I'm terrified of being alone.

Today I was hanging out with the guy I've been spending pretty much all my time with since we met a week and a half ago. A genuinely nice guy who's fun to be around and made me happy. His sense of humor is about a thousand miles from family friendly, and he's the playboy poster child for the NCMO movement (Non-Committal Make-Out). When he's not calling me Lissers, he's calling me 'Rated G.' I promised myself when we first met that I wasn't going to fall for him.

Today as we were driving somewhere, he put his arm around me, causing my eyebrows to raise. I'm not generally comfortable with pretty much any kind of physical contact with the opposite sex. I glanced over and noticed that his other arm was around the two girls on the other side of him, causing my eyebrows to lower considerably. I realized that what I minded was not the arm around me, but the arm around the other girls.

I removed his arm from my shoulders.

I don't think I'm going to hang out with him anymore.

Feelings = Don't Tell Boys!

CC talking about how boys don't need to know what we discuss on here made me think of this, so I'll just write it out for you. Boys are the worst people to talk to about feelings. No matter who the boy is, it doesn't make a difference. Unless that boy is gay or Aren Muse, but that doesn't even count.

Story: An example that I have involves Dustin (Weird, I know) when I tried to break up with him the first time last May. I told him why I wanted to break up and how I felt about everything, might I add I was balling the whole time, and he just laughed at me! I found it incredibly rude. Who laughs at the feelings of a person that you care about? That doesn't even make sense. He continued to tell me how what I was saying was stupid. First he laughs at me, and second he pretty much said I was stupid. Seriously? I gave up on telling boys things after that.

Advice: Don't tell boys your feelings. It never works. Tell your friends and the blog. :)

I Sit Here and Laugh

I would just like to announce the fact that Matt Richards asked me to prom... maybe two weeks ago? And FYI... it was through a text. Normally I wouldn't care, but he's just being... [INSERT OWN ADJECTIVE]

I told him no.

He's now asked maybe 5 girls after me? I just sit here and laugh.... really, really, really hard!

People Change

People change, lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent ones turn into sluts, homework goes in the trash, mobile phones are being used in class, detention becomes suspension, soda becomes vodka, bikes become cars, kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from a boy were cooties? Your worst enemies were your siblings, race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a card game, and the only drug you knew was cough medicine? When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut, the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? ... And we couldn't wait to grow up.-----I got it in a forward so I don't know who made it up. But I really liked it. :)


Here is another forward that I got:

I have learned that saying "sorry" doesn't cut it, being happy isn't always easy but it's always worth it, if you keep going back to that one person that hurts you, it's not their fault anymore. Saying "I love you" and actually loving someone are completely different. To be smart, you need to make your share of mistakes. Drugs and alcohol change who you really are. The people that are best at hiding their feelings are usually the ones that are hurting the most. Everything you know now could be gone in the morning. Money really doesn't buy love. When you move you really find out who your true friends are. Lying gets you absolutely nowhere. Your family won't always be there for you. It's important not to judge people, you don't know what they've been through to make them who they are today. Big things come in small packages (every time I read that one I think dirty. :/ I can't help but laugh). Smiles are contagious. You can't make someone happy if you aren't happy. No matter what the situation is, it could always be worse. Complaining gets you nowhere. You learn something new everyday.

Prom Report

I went to my old school's prom tonight... WITH A DATE. Yes, CC got a date and went to a dance. Who's Little Miss Suzie High School now? When you are asking a guy to prom, a typically guy's choice dance, you have to be careful who you ask.

I always make the first move. I used to think it was because I was ugly or stupid or unappealing and THAT'S why I always had to make the first move... but I've come to the conclusion that guys are just really intimidated by me. And that's the way it's going to be. (Sparkle, I wasn't lying when I said that you shouldn't introduce me to your guy friends - they will DISAPPEAR when I'm around. What can I say? I have more balls than most guys I know. Hm... that didn't come out like I meant it to.) I felt pretty confident with my choice to ask Riley.

Riley. 18 years old. Jenn's friend. Met him at a bonfire last weekend. We cuddled. I swear that's as far as it went. Seemed sweet. Smart. Good idea. Good plan-making. Good impression on my friends. Pretty good date experience. Not so good date person. Sure, he opened doors and walked me to my doorstep. Sure, he wasn't afraid to actually dance. But after a few hours, I was just so sick and tired of hearing him talk about himself!

But that's not actually who I wanted to talk about! I know I've talked about Wendle before, such as an experience in a certain dark corner of a gym last spring that never turned in to anything more than just an experience in a dark corner. But Wendle never ceases to grab my attention. Tonight, he grabbed me during a slow song before my date got to me and pulled me outside.

It was raining.

To hell with rationalization. Marry me, Wendle. Okay, for reals though, he told me that he'd been dancing with other girls out there too. But I'm sure I'm different. You know why? Because I stole his lip virginity last spring and he's never going to get that back! Mwahahahahaha. Anyway, I was dancing in the rain with Wendle. I was so infinitely happy I didn't know what to say. I was even too happy to think about kissing him! Also, I had a date, so I couldn't kiss him. (I kept reminding myself that I had a date over and over. Like every five seconds - "Wait Wendle! I have a date!" But seriously folks.)

Wendle rocks my world. Here is why. Last year when he would walk me to my cousin's house after school, he showed me a rope swing that we ended up playing on for a long time. (Plus 5 points.) He has never been afraid to be himself. He doesn't try to impress anyone. He has always and will always rock out at dances. (Plus 8 points.) No matter who he's friends with, he keeps a generally real grasp on longer term decisions. (Plus 5 points.) He kissed me in the corner of a gym at a school dance just because I wanted to and there was no weirdness after and our friendship was completely unaffected. (Plus 8 points.) He brought me out to dance in the rain NOT because he knows girls think that's romantic, but because it feels good to dance in the rain, dammit! (Plus 10 points.) On the downside, my mom thinks I should date Wendle. (Minus 25 points.)

Great night.

(Added 1/20/2010: Here are the facts. No matter how many times I think how great Wendle is, he ALWAYS does something that makes me want to bash his head into a wall! And frankly I'm not attracted to him. The perfect guy always has those issues...)

You Never Could

Today I miss the way you'd kiss
my hand when I was mad at you
Tonight I miss the way your eyes
would look at me and see right through
my soul, how you could always make me laugh
you put up with my family on my behalf
how locked in your embrace I'd always felt so right
and how we'd always end up on the phone all night

But I will never ever miss the way
you always had to be a couple hours late
and how you never called me

I miss how you would smile nervously
when I saw you stare at me
I miss the ways we spent our days
and how you said I set you free

But I will never ever miss the nights
I laid awake still crying from our latest fight
and how you never called me
And I will never miss those awful days
I came to you and you just pushed me away
how you looked right through me

I'll never miss the way you never could miss me.

On nights like these I cannot seem to stop these tears
You understand just why my head is a mess
when at the end of all those perfect broken years
you left me waiting in that long white dress...

And I still miss the way you'd kiss my hand
when I was mad at you
but please don't try to call me

I'll never miss the way you never could miss me.