Sweet Success

I've lived in constant fear that if the one guy I've ever considered myself to love.... would come crawling back. You see PS and I have a history, years in fact, but I'd moved on. It might have taken a few months, but I did it. However, here he comes again looking for a summer romance. The fear lies in that I thought I'd come running back into his arms. I'm proud to say I didn't. We've evolved into two entirely different people. At least, I have. We just don't fit anymore, and we merely make perfect friends. Sure, I fit right under your arm, we still have the same tastes, and yes, there'll probably always be something there. However, I've moved on from you and the girl I was. I just can't do that again!
I'm here to say.... no. I'm sticking it to the man, and proving your manipulation techniques are now transparent and useless.
I'm back.

six word: Bam. Take that corrupting heart breaker.

Definition of Love.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor,

so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or

smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.

It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,

so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends'

turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts.

Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

Sound Advice

I completely and entirely support the Riley-can-suck-it-Anderson post. I found it comical and enlightening. Might I just add that it seems like boys are very similar to girls in some aspects? It seems as if spreading the word around is quite the addiction...

**Note to bloggers. I heavily suggest you start paying attention to the "Anonymous" and "Sound Advice" comments that are being posted to some of your posts. I've found them to be more than helpful, and this is why I am posting tonight.**

First: "You must remember one important thing, relationships are like buses, another one comes along every fifteen minutes and they all can take you somewhere different."

I've now decided that the more and more I dwell on the fact that Poser van Levels has broken my heart, and that I hate him for it, does nothing. I've focused so much on the negative that I've forgotten why I stuck with it so long. Might I quote my twitter: Why is it that my bad memories are filled with such inexplicable happiness? So! All I'm saying is that I'm in high school, and I need to get over it, which I have. I'm merely saying that I don't feel as if I've fully recovered because I'm still making snide comments. This is my personal goal to stop talking crap on him, and having a more positive attitude. There's got to be some redeaming qualities, or why did I ever date him in the first place? So... even though he's a man whore who preys on the understanding of the female population, I'm making an effort to be nice. (I had to get the last out of my system) This relates to the comment from Anonymous because.... I've changed because of the stupid relationship. I now make fun of everyone possible, have a lowered self image, and have lost all trust with the male population. -Wait, what I meant when I said that was... I now know how to really work at a relationship, have come to the realization that I won't get everything my way, and also now have more realistic expectations for men. Better? Like it was said, the relationships take you all different directions. I'm learning from the last in order to make the next trip more enjoyable. I truly hope this makes sense.

Second:"If the relationship ends, and it's started up again, it will end the same way as before."

I must say I agree with this. I want you to think about how you felt about the relationship after you got back together. Quite honestly, I felt we were constantly on the brink of breaking up again. Merely because, we knew we could reach that point at any time. It was always sitting there waiting to happen. It was always an option that both of us felt like we take. It made it an easier decision to break up the second time? Why? Because we never got back to "normal." We tried, but it was never the same. -Even if we pretended it was. Just saying.

Six word: Sound Advice comes from unexpected places.

Six word to make up for the lack of one on my last post: Smothering the flames leaves aching ribs.

What would Beyonce do?

I have had 8 boyfriends and all but one turned out to be a complete disaster. After all that you think id have had enough, but no. When do we ever learn? This has brought me to the conclusion that 88% of pre-mi's (pre-missionaries) are worthless when it comes to dating. Beyonce is my idol... honestly who gives Beyonce crap... NOBODY! At this point in life I am past the point of being done with high school relationships. What would Beyonce do? Probably make them beg to take her back, and when theyre on their hands and knees crawling and groveling for her, thats when she would rub their face in the dirt and say "to the left." Thats the new game plan.

Girl Rules

There are a few simple rules I feel like we must recall concerning friends and boys.

1. If she likes him first (or even just says she does first), you don't like him, flirt with him, look at him, or even think about him.

2. Don't participate in any form of PDA in front of your friends; it's annoying.

3. If he's her "sort of boyfriend," don't kiss him. If he claims they aren't together, ask around. You can't trust him on this.

4. If he breaks her heart, break his face.

5. If he cheats on her, elbow him really hard right after he eats a ton of Cafe Rio. (Be careful on this one; he might not ever let you in his house again.)

6. If she "hates" him, but you can tell she secretly is in love with him, DON'T ask her to admit it until she's good and ready, or until she's crying on your bed at 3 AM asking why she isn't happy.

7. If she says she's over him, but you can tell she isn't, DON'T think you have a chance. And DON'T push her to admit she's not over him.

8. Friends don't let friends *re-date.

9. If he sticks his tongue down her throat without permission, grab a golf club and meet him at the park across the street from his house. Bring reinforcements.

10. If you know he's trouble and she won't listen, make sure to be there when the prodigal girl returns, her lesson learned. You'll only alienate her by trying to control her. And most girls like that "trouble" thing anyway.

11. If your friends are telling you he's trouble, you might want to listen. Seriously, folks.

12. If she has just broken up with her boyfriend and is trying to date other people and she really needs you to find a date to double with and go with her, DO IT.

13. Be understanding if your friend can't find a date to double with you.

14. A good lesson from kindergarten... if she says she likes him, don't tell her he picks his nose. She won't forget it. Ever.

15. If she wants to tell you every detail of last night's make-out session, listen. Laugh when appropriate.

16. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

17. If she needs you, and you can tell she needs you, drop the boy like a hot potato and be there for your friend!

18. Don't date her brother. She will not approve.

19. Try not to tell too many guys about the Boy Blog. Too many boys and girls reputations could be ruined.

20. Love your friends and stand by them ALWAYS, especially when they're wrong!

*Re-date: the act of dating a guy after already having broken up one or more times

Boyfriends at Christmastime

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! :D three more days 'till Christmas. Oh man. Boyfriends are the best around these types of Holidays. Too bad I don't have one. Ha. Oh well. I feel free for awhile. Even if I do want one. I could have one I'm just holding it out so I can repair things with Dustin and everybody. I need to talk to Moose, because I feel bad for how I just kind of am avoiding him. I shall call him on Christmas! But Merry Christmas, I hope you all have a wonderful time, and no one makes you sad. :)

Swede's Cycle

I'm not sure I've really got any vital information to share. I just haven't posted for the longest time... So I should try to think of something right? Boys... Boys?? It seems that there is only one boy that has managed to make himself a permanent fixture in my mind.

Swede... He went from awkward, to funny, to sweet, to manipulative and angry and depressed, to suicidal and psycho and scary and irrational, to non-existent in my life, to acquaintance-like, to friendly and sorry, to sane and reasonable and semi-sweet (sounds like a chocolate chip...).

Now what. Every bit of my past experience leads directly to the conclusion that we are never to be more than very casual friends on occasion. So why is it that when he gets too close or, like that one really weird time at Moose's house, he put his arms around me (yikes!) my stomach drops (you know, like on a roller coaster. or maybe more like an elevator...). The obvious answer is to continue chanting my ever-relevant motto "It's just hormones. It's just hormones" over and over in my mind and to practically ignore the issue all together.

Of course now I'm wondering what the issue really is. He doesn't want me to be his girlfriend... I guess I'm just nervous to get in too deep again. Nervous that he'll revert to that seemingly permanent state of mind, where he contemplates suicide and feels like everyone hates him and tries to manipulate me, that scares me so much. At the moment he seems completely rational and very nearly sane. And I feel like his mother when I say he's made a ton of terrific progress. In fact I feel like we're on great terms right now. In fact I'm pretty sure I really wouldn't mind having him as a fairly close guy friend. I can handle that can't I? Or the bigger question, can he?

Artificial Relationship

This is sort of random, but as usual I've just been thinking too much. As a result I've come to a conclusion. It's one of those that you make after analyzing a situation for so long you feel you must produce some sort of statement of wisdom. Or maybe just common sense, in my case.

Anyhow. Now for my profound statement of common sense:
If, in any sort of relationship, you cannot be completely honest and have to keep things from anyone in order to create an illusion of yourself, it is an artificial relationship.

Ok. So that may also have been one of those statements that have been pushed to the extreme and do not allow for any special situations, but hey, at least someone still posts on this blog.*

*That was a hint ;)

The Importance of Timing

I wish Freckles would post on this site. She really needs to. She could really add a lot of knowledge. The fact that she keeps her knowledge from us is selfish and beachy. (Just kidding, Freckles. You know you have ALL MY LOVE.)

Just a quick reminder to those who would like to post on this blog: please put labels on your posts. This will someday make it easier to find specific topics; i.e. scamming, timing, movies, etc.

I would like to take a moment here to talk to you, and all readers, about the importance of timing. Whether or not this applies to you, it's a good time to learn about timing.

I recently made an important discovery. The thing about all relationships is TIMING. There is a faint possibility that any girl and any guy could be compatible if the timing was right. Unfortunately, all heartbreak is a result of bad timing. Think about it.

All of this being hypothetical: Bonnie and Clyde break up because Clyde said the wrong thing at the wrong time. A strong relationship built on crime, GONE, because of one stupid comment. Jack can't get Jill because Jill is hung up on Humpty Dumpty. However, Jill finally notices Jack after the candle stick incident, but by that point, Jack could have ANY girl (within the realm of Mother Goose.) Naturally Jack goes after Little Bo Peep. Stupid blondes.

Let's look at my favorite stupid TV show, Gossip Girl. Blair and Nate break up (the first time) because Nate's dad is a drug addict and he can't keep any promises to Blair since he's so stressed. This is driving Blair batty. So they break up. And exactly 20 minutes after breaking up with her life-long boyfriend, Blair performs at a speak-easy then loses her virtue to Nate's best friend, Chuck, in the back of a moving vehicle. Admit it, we all liked it. Naturally.

Or we could look at the example of Rufus (who is cuter than his name) and Lilly. They want so much to be together, but they can't because their KIDS are dating. That's right; Serena and Dan are dating, and it would just be cruel for Lilly and Rufus to get together at this point. Because SERENA CAN'T BE SLEEPING WITH THE SON OF THE MAN HER MOM IS SLEEPING WITH. Naturally. (Luckily for Lilly and Rufus, it looks like Serena and Dan are over after the little Georgina incident during the Lincoln Hawk concert. Which ended with Lilly and Rufus sharing a passionate kiss in the rain. Which could put a dent in Lilly's upcoming marriage to Chuck's dad. NATURALLY.)

What it comes down to: While I don't condone getting life advice from Gossip Girl, or any CW show, it is true that relationships are just about timing. Bad timing=trouble. Good timing=possibility.

She's Trying to Hook Up With My Boyfriend!

• CC,

Thank you for helping me out here. I will call you later for you to tell me how I'm supposed to tell him this. I feel way way bad. :( So I need to come up with something that doesn't make me sound like a horrible person.

I think that I will most definitely need to watch The Office. Maybe get season three. You will have to buy the ice cream and I'll by that season. We will eat and watch and discuss all our problems and what not. :)

• Others :/

New Problem:::: What do I do about stupid girls (one girl named Hailey Lund, yuck) that are trying to hook up with Dustin when she knows he is going out with me? I mean, I can't just tell her to stop. She will want to fight me, and I find girl fighting very immature and pointless. Hence, I must either, trust Dustin exceedingly much. Or figure a way to where she doesn't talk to him anymore. I can't trust her as his friend, because she is honestly a slut with STD s. What to do what to do....???

To Tell or Not to Tell?

Well, you see, yesterday was a very horrendous day for me. I cried almost all day. I finally told this kid how I felt about him (yeah, I probably shouldn't be doing so, seeing that I have a boyfriend). But you have to understand that this other kid was in my life way before my present boyfriend. Anyways, I told him that I really do believe that I loved him when we were "together" and it took me way after we "broke up" to realize it. I told him I still had feelings for him, and how I really wish that we were better friends. I also told him that he was the reason I cried after my birthday party at Freckles' house. You see, I was there with Dustin, and yet I still felt something towards ... this guy. I told Dustin about that though. I guess I don't regret breaking off whatever we were (we weren't official exactly), but I regret that it ruined our friendship.

After venting to him about all my life problems and everything I felt, I then felt a new emotion that I hadn't been feeling that day... stupidity. I shouldn't have told him anything. It might make things awkward for us. Maybe not though. Supposedly we are tight and we are going to hang out. I won't be telling Dustin about this blog. I feel horrible though. Maybe I should tell him.

Any suggestions on what I should do, ay? I don't want to tell him, because I already told him about my thoughts and feelings at my birthday party, and if I tell him this, he might think I'm going to leave him or something. Which, I won't due. At least not for this other guy (My proof that I'm not going to is this: 1. he likes one of my good friends[she likes him back] 2. I don't do the whole, being with someone, breaking up, and being with them again in the future.) I think those 2 reasons are good enough. I sound extremely dumb right now and so I'm going to stop blabbering on about this whole messed up situation. please, PLEASE! Give me suggestions on whether I should tell Dust or not :/

Fighting With My Boyfriend

Fighting with boyfriends one day, and making out the next. I'd say I might be a little bipolar towards this relationship. I was thinking about it today, and I don't know what would happen if we broke up. Would he still want to be friends? Or would he possibly hate me and never want to see my face again? Maybe something in between, like a, saying hello but never hanging out or having an actual conversation. I have to worry about these things, because I'm only a sophomore at this present time, and so I know the break up will happen eventually. We just argue a lot. I mean, never fighting, per se, but still arguing about everything. Maybe that's a bad habit that we just keep getting deeper and deeper into. It is possible that I'm just being over dramatic and it's truly not a big deal. I don't know. Having a boyfriend causes mixed feelings a lot of the time, I decided.

Before story time, I must add this extra story so you will understand the reason as to why he had one in his wallet. So his mom walks in (I wasn't there. this is the story he told me after it all happened) after grocery shopping. She pulls a box out and throws it at Dustin and says, "Now I'm not giving you permission, but just in case." I bet some people can guess what it was. Freaking condoms!!! How embarrassing is that?! I was embarrassed and I wasn't even there. She also told him to keep one in his wallet. So he did. Okay, now on to story time...

Story time (you will find that I like story time, and I love telling people them even if they don't give a rats butt about it): On Sunday, I went to the Tri-City golf coarse in AF (where Dustin[Boyfriend] works), and Shelby thought it would be funny if we took the condom out of his wallet and put it on the antenna of his car. So that's exactly what we did. We ran away to my car because we had to get home for a fireside. But anyways, so i look over and he is running over to us. We were being immature and saying things like, "it sounds like someone is talking but it's just the wind." or, "Shelby, did you hear something? I didn't." etc. So Dustin almost tackles me and says something about the condom and then he threw it at my face!!! I was so angry at him. After I made him put my golf clubs in the back of my car, I drove away in a furious manner. The End.

Lesson of this story, don't jokingly put a condom on someones car, or it will be thrown in your face. Yuck!

The reason I said, at the beginning, about me being bipolar, was because I went to his house today and was just fine and wasn't mad about anything, and I was just having fun being with him. Yes, I know, I have issues.

p.s. You will find several grammatically incorrect things in my blogs. Just ignore these.