That Jack @$$ Lied!

One time when I was in Cedar I was hanging out with my friend David who had told me he broke up with his girlfriend awhile ago. So being me and thinking that it wouldn't hurt anyone, I made out with him. I couple times actually. I went back home after that weekend that I stayed at my g-parents house. He had called me and we were talking and I mentioned something. He continued to lie to me about how he and his girlfriend did break up but got back together the day after I left. I thought, Oh that's pretty logical I suppose. Yeah no. She added me on Myspace and we got to talking. They never broke up. The jack @$$ lied to me.

Landon. Oh jeez. I did it to him again. Just not as bad I don't think this time. I thought I did want a relationship with him. I went to his cabin and everything. We had a "trial" deal thing. I got all stressed out about it and crap. I'm just too emotional for a relationship I guess. I have something wrong with me anyway. I can't just keep to one guy anymore. I like experimenting too much (don't take that dirty). Oh well. I don't think he's upset about anything. If he is, he's really good at hiding it.

Swede's Cycle

I'm not sure I've really got any vital information to share. I just haven't posted for the longest time... So I should try to think of something right? Boys... Boys?? It seems that there is only one boy that has managed to make himself a permanent fixture in my mind.

Swede... He went from awkward, to funny, to sweet, to manipulative and angry and depressed, to suicidal and psycho and scary and irrational, to non-existent in my life, to acquaintance-like, to friendly and sorry, to sane and reasonable and semi-sweet (sounds like a chocolate chip...).

Now what. Every bit of my past experience leads directly to the conclusion that we are never to be more than very casual friends on occasion. So why is it that when he gets too close or, like that one really weird time at Moose's house, he put his arms around me (yikes!) my stomach drops (you know, like on a roller coaster. or maybe more like an elevator...). The obvious answer is to continue chanting my ever-relevant motto "It's just hormones. It's just hormones" over and over in my mind and to practically ignore the issue all together.

Of course now I'm wondering what the issue really is. He doesn't want me to be his girlfriend... I guess I'm just nervous to get in too deep again. Nervous that he'll revert to that seemingly permanent state of mind, where he contemplates suicide and feels like everyone hates him and tries to manipulate me, that scares me so much. At the moment he seems completely rational and very nearly sane. And I feel like his mother when I say he's made a ton of terrific progress. In fact I feel like we're on great terms right now. In fact I'm pretty sure I really wouldn't mind having him as a fairly close guy friend. I can handle that can't I? Or the bigger question, can he?

Rainbow's Decision

CC said it was about time that we use names and not just key words and "this person". So I will try. Landon and I, well more Landon than anyone, decided to just be friends. I didn't want a relationship during the school year (there is more to it but I have to talk to him about it before I say more.) so that made it so we are just friends. So I guess if I think about it it's my fault. Oh well. I'm over it. Have you ever cried so hard that you tingle all over and your lips are quivering and your eyes twitch uncontrollably? That happened to me the other day. Dustin made me feel so bad and I couldn't hold it in. I got out of the numb stage finally. I can cry again. I can't decide whether or not that's a good thing... This kid James, told me he liked me. I have kinda liked him since second semester started last year (10th obviously). I'm really nervous to like him because he likes long relationships and I can't handle them. I don't want him to just stop liking me though :(

Asking Questions About Fist Fights

I just have a couple questions that are bouncing around in my mind. Will people please give me answers?

-Why do boys think that it's cool to get in fist fights?

-Why do they act like they don't care what you do, but then you ask to go somewhere with another guy (just as a friend) and he tells you he doesn't feel comfortable with it? Honestly, you act like you don't care and nothing is a big deal until it comes down to the nitty gritty.

-My last question... What is so horrible about watching chick flicks? It shouldn't matter what you watch, as long as you're spending quality time together. He doesn't see me complaining when we watch weird action movies.