Sweet Success

I've lived in constant fear that if the one guy I've ever considered myself to love.... would come crawling back. You see PS and I have a history, years in fact, but I'd moved on. It might have taken a few months, but I did it. However, here he comes again looking for a summer romance. The fear lies in that I thought I'd come running back into his arms. I'm proud to say I didn't. We've evolved into two entirely different people. At least, I have. We just don't fit anymore, and we merely make perfect friends. Sure, I fit right under your arm, we still have the same tastes, and yes, there'll probably always be something there. However, I've moved on from you and the girl I was. I just can't do that again!
I'm here to say.... no. I'm sticking it to the man, and proving your manipulation techniques are now transparent and useless.
I'm back.

six word: Bam. Take that corrupting heart breaker.

My Search for Closure

I have recently (yesterday) discovered the answer to the closure problem... Yes this is somewhat sarcastic but really I've made a break through! It feels different now... Yes I'm still unrealistically angry, but there is always silver lining to everything right?

I have channeled my anger into closure.

This is the theory...

First of all... they could care less what we think or if were angry since they've moved on.

Second... If he is really that big of a jerk, why do we still let it get to us?

So anyways... I figured out what to do to help yourself through it.

Pray for them...

You can't go hatin others who have done wrong to you

Sometimes we get angry, but we can't condemn

Let the good Lord do his job,

and

you just pray for them

I pray your breaks go out rollin down a hill

I pray a flower pot falls from a window sill

and knocks you in the head like id like to,

I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls

I pray you're flyin high when your engine stalls

I pray all your dreams never come true

Just know wherever you are honey,

I pray for you

Being pissed doesn't mean you're over someone

I am having a self crisis at the moment and would love some sound advice...

I think I am in denial about the whole break up thing because honestly being mad, well pissed, at someone for a long time doesn't mean your over them. We broke up, he hooked up with someone else, and we haven't said a single word to each other.. until today when he simply asked why my team wasn't going to Las Vegas anymore for a tournament. Should this offend me? No! But it did! We never talk... we're not even friends anymore, so what gives him the right to start a casual conversation with me when I've never even got an apology, better yet an explanation! Lets just say I'm sure the 20 second conversation didn't go the way he wanted it to... I just don't feel like I owe him anything... not even a decent conversation. If he wants that he can try alot harder....

My dilemma is that I cant get closure.. I mean being mad is good and all but it has to end sometime! How do you move on? I'm not the type that can do the rebound thing! I haven't even had the slightest desire to like someone else! It probably would have helped but I haven't freaked out at him like most girls do.. He has a new girlfriend (after he gave me the mission excuse which was obvious BS!) so I don't know if I even want to talk about it to him. All I would end up texting him and saying is your a jerk for lying and cheating and ask for the real reason he dumped me, but do I really wanna know? On the other hand what do I have to lose? Should I try texting him? I just don't know how to end this with myself and really move on. I don't want to keep hating him forever and continue to not like anyone else because deep down it still hurts that he did that to me and I want him to know it but I cant........... ah crud.

Help?

Here's to you CC

First off... what is with the snails? Does that look inviting at all? Does it have any relation to boys in general? They aren't all slugs..... I should amend that sentence: They aren't all slugs ALL the time? huh.... I'll work on it.



Well, it's been a while... obviously. So here's the run down: PV &J (ironic nickname given by another friend that's a guy) lasted 5 months... with only one break up in there, and we were only broken up for what? 3 days? Anyway....



So during the relationship, everything was great! It was like our hands were like puzzle pieces, they just fit. We'd be able to just sit quietly and yet leave like it was a great conversation. I didn't feel insecure when I was with him because, well.....I was too focused on the fact that I loved and adored him. Yes.... that's right, I loved him. I truly and sincerely believed that I was in love with him. Unfortunately, when you experience such a great high....you've got to come down sometime. So, at the first break up.....



I thought we'd come to clear up some miscommunication or something. I figured our conversation would end on a relationship strengthening note. Ha. nice try Red Tulip, you were wrong yet again. As it turns out, he's here to stab a hidden dagger into your heart, twist it, and then do it over and over again as he tells you he loves you....he's just starting to lust after other girls. "It's nothing you've done! It's all me." Bull. He started crying. Oh my hell, okay so then I start crying. (Don't judge, my heart had just been shattered by a wrecking ball) As my tears slid silently down my face, the sobs started to build up. I couldn't tell if I wanted to stay with him or run as fast as I could, away. I didn't care where, just away from this pain, hurt, and anguish. I chose to stay. Why? Because the one person I wanted to comfort me -tell me it was all going to be okay, and that there are good things coming from this...! -yeah....he was right in front of me. I'd invested everything into this! Never had I put myself out there, no... never had I ever put my heart out there. Well, he comforted me sure... but it was a "we have to be friends. I can't lose you, I still love you." PV &J, do you fetching hear yourself? The sobs broke through the iron barrier I'd set up and I simply snapped. A few more words, and we parted ways.



Never had I ever felt so.... worthless, undesirable, and (I'd really like to swear here, because it seems appropriate....) crappy. These were things I'd never even thought I had a problem with! I was miserable to say the least. To make matters worse, he still called me. I saw the caller ID, and I couldn't not answer, I mean it was him. Him, who I'd let see a side of me no one else had, the person who, with one look could either cheer me up or tear me down. Small talk is really hard to come up with when it's just a ante-conversation for the after-break-up-talk.


Fast forward to 2 days later.


He calls me up, and leaves a voicemail. Something was wrong and I knew that just from his voice, a skill I'd aquired through out the past time that I hadn't even noticed passing. I called him back. He said everything my shriveled up heart wanted to hear. "I still love you, Everything was a mistake, I knew the moment I got in my car...." Words that were left meaningless as I tried to recall them to him a mere month later. We met up at the place we broke up....oh the irony of that spot. He was playing a song on the guitar, a song he'd wrote to express the pain he'd been feeling all weekend. I sat there awkwardly for the first time with him, and I didn't know what to do. He said everything I wanted to hear and more but now was the time.... get back together and relinquish my hold on everything I stood for? (I'm refering to Sparkle Lily's situation with TS. You just don't go back.) or.... wallow in my misery when everything that had made me happy for the past few months was sitting right in front of me. I felt like I needed to think, but the time to answer was now! What do you think I chose? It is after I made my decision that yes, we'll get back together, that he informs me of some of his activities throughout the past few days. Turns out he'd kissed another girl. Mind you, this is the girl he dumped me for? "I just needed someone to talk to, and I couldn't talk to you so...." Bull. Regardless, I must inform you that he lied to me about this multiple times. First story: They didn't kiss. Second story: We just kissed quick twice, it was like kissing a brick wall. Third story: Okay, so it wasn't short, but it wasn't a make out! Fourth, and final story: Yeah, we made out.


Don't ask me why I still went through with it. And no, I wasn't smart enough not to kiss him that day either.


Doesn't matter, because it only lasted another month.....a few days after homecoming. I didn't even cry in front of him that time. He sure did, but I stayed dry. (Same spot PS) And that is the story of PV&J. (Note: he comes from the post on prom in may? I think)





Here's my six word: He cried while breaking my heart.





(I'm putting a six word memoir with every post from now on, just for your information.)

I would also like to note that now he's the one being played by a girl who's currently playing 4 other guys... just saying.... go karma!

oh the DRAMA!

Hello everyone! this is my first post since the boy blog has been up and running again. i am so freaking excited and i have much to say.... last summer was boring. altho a certain person we will call J.H. told me he liked me. that all great and everything except for the fact i had no feelings for him whatsoever. he moved on and we stayed best friends until football season when he started dating this cheerleader. it really pissed me off. i started to have feeling for him, or so i thought, so i told him i liked him and he basically dumped the other chick and told me he never stopped liking me. SCORE!!! anyways it was fun and all until a week later when he kissed me and sad to say i felt nothing I REPEAT NOTHING! i feel awful saying this but you know how you feel that great feeling in the pit of your stomach... no that definitely wasn't there. very sad. i tried to ignore it for a while but you can only ignore something like that for so long. when your thinking about how much better this other guy --T.S. -- is at kissing while your kissing your boyfriends and how you would really like to kiss T.S. right now, you know you should probably break up with him... so i did... very sad the next night i hung out with T.S. and he told me he liked me ugh! --- here is the side story this is the same T.S. who has cheated on me dozens of times. --that night we laid on his brothers bed listening to Damien Rice with the lights off... it was so hard not to kiss him! i knew i shouldn't because one i just broke up with J.S. and we were still going threw that "maybe we could work it out" stage although i knew there was no hope. and two i didn't want to give him what he wanted because i knew what was on his mind.

So now i am stuck in this situation. me and J.S. are pretty good although he is still a little bitter because all i told him when i broke up with him was that "i wasn't feeling it anymore" which was true i just didn't tell him i never did. and me and T.S. went to a movie last night and cuddled. what do i do?!?! i cant go back to the loser who has cheated on me a billion times! but what you need to understand is that i have never been so attracted to someone. i don't know if this is normal but i seriously get that feeling in my stomach when i just stand by him... imagion kissing him! it so annoying! well ill let you know what happens next in my pathetic life haha... later

sparklelily

oh and just as an fyi this is the same T.S. who gave me the giant down comforter which i still have haha.... if you forgot look under 2009-march-The breakup ... finally... it will tell the whole story :)

Feelings = Don't Tell Boys!

CC talking about how boys don't need to know what we discuss on here made me think of this, so I'll just write it out for you. Boys are the worst people to talk to about feelings. No matter who the boy is, it doesn't make a difference. Unless that boy is gay or Aren Muse, but that doesn't even count.

Story: An example that I have involves Dustin (Weird, I know) when I tried to break up with him the first time last May. I told him why I wanted to break up and how I felt about everything, might I add I was balling the whole time, and he just laughed at me! I found it incredibly rude. Who laughs at the feelings of a person that you care about? That doesn't even make sense. He continued to tell me how what I was saying was stupid. First he laughs at me, and second he pretty much said I was stupid. Seriously? I gave up on telling boys things after that.

Advice: Don't tell boys your feelings. It never works. Tell your friends and the blog. :)

You Never Could

Today I miss the way you'd kiss
my hand when I was mad at you
Tonight I miss the way your eyes
would look at me and see right through
my soul, how you could always make me laugh
you put up with my family on my behalf
how locked in your embrace I'd always felt so right
and how we'd always end up on the phone all night

But I will never ever miss the way
you always had to be a couple hours late
and how you never called me

I miss how you would smile nervously
when I saw you stare at me
I miss the ways we spent our days
and how you said I set you free

But I will never ever miss the nights
I laid awake still crying from our latest fight
and how you never called me
And I will never miss those awful days
I came to you and you just pushed me away
how you looked right through me

I'll never miss the way you never could miss me.

On nights like these I cannot seem to stop these tears
You understand just why my head is a mess
when at the end of all those perfect broken years
you left me waiting in that long white dress...

And I still miss the way you'd kiss my hand
when I was mad at you
but please don't try to call me

I'll never miss the way you never could miss me.

My Life is Boring

Wow guys, your last posts were so funny I started laughing out loud in my computer room in front of my sister who now thinks I'm stupid for laughing at a computer screen.

I can't believe that Morp story... It was definitely different on my end when I talked to Jada... He part must have come in after he dropped you off, Freckles! And Red Tulip's story of Matt was priceless and so much better when you wrote it then you told me in person. Matt is an interesting boy who I really think is after one thing in life.

Well ever since breaking up with Taylor, my life is completely boring with nothing to tell... except sadly I'm stupid and I miss him :( I'm so gay and retarded, I know. Who wouldn't miss a freaking 6 pack going off to NATIONALS TO WRESTLE! He is quite amazing... But so not worth it... at least that's what I keep telling myself. Maybe you were right, CC, and I like him more then I think... However I will never admit that... except on this blog...!

My Response to Sparkle's Break-Up

First off, I speak for everyone when I say FINALLY. On Saturday night I talked to TS for a little while about the break-up. Sometimes he's a really great guy, mostly around his family. But it seems that he spends too much time thinking he's invincible, thinking he's immortal. It makes him very unpleasant to talk to. I know I do this a lot, but I'd like to give a sampling of the things he and I discussed.

Girls he's kissed while going out with Sparkle. (Too many to count.)

The worst kisser ever. (Stella's friend reminds him of those fish that suck onto the side of their tanks.)

That he hasn't kissed a girl in 3 weeks. (And he was determined to change that within a matter of days.)

The Break-Up. (In Sparkle's grandparent's backyard.)

Why he and Sparkle can't be friends. (Because when he sees Sparkle and he's not with her, he is constantly reminded that he's not good enough for her. When they're together, he knows he is good enough for her. Doesn't that make so much sense?)

The Break-Up... FINALLY!

Yes it is over between me and TS... I swear everyone is having celebration parties. But it is very sad because yes I still like him. I guess you could say I still like the old him, the one in 9th grade and even last year before he started being crazy with the female sex.

Basically it all started last Friday night. He was being a total jerk and so was I and we were kind of already in a fight so… us not getting a long on Friday made it worse. At 12:00 when I got home for curfew I was too upset to go to bed so I turned on Step Up. I have no idea why, it just sounded good… probably because I couldn’t find The Notebook which is what I usually watch when I am depressed.

We were texting and he’s all, "We need to talk," so naturally at 12:30 I found myself leaving my house through the back door with a blanket around me, walking to my grandma and Dados swing set where we were meeting, right next door. When he shows up we start talking and I’m way mad... and blah blah blah - it was over. Then he said then I said then he said... Basically we broke up because he cheated on me a few times in his life, when I was recently at nationals he didn’t even text or call to say good luck, he talks about other girls in front of me, doesn’t act the same at his house when were alone as he does when were at school, he gets what ever he want and it needs to stop.. etc, etc. You guys could probably make up our own reasons!

After we were done talking he was being dramatic saying we wouldn’t talk anymore and how we can't be friends. I had my blanket around me and his because it was really cold. When he started to go home I tried to give it back and he said, "Keep it." Let me inform you this is a huge down comforter blanket; seriously, this thing is huge. I don’t exactly think it was his to give away! This is so funny to me; he was so dramatic - "keep it-" almost like he was saying “Keep it to remember me by even though I live two houses down.”

Now I have this huge down comforter blanket that I don’t know what to do with. I stuffed it in my car at like 2 in the morning and it's still there. I cant just bring it inside because my dad would wonder! I just hope his mom isn’t wondering where her huge down comforter is! If anyone wants to view this artifact you can anytime you see my car. Just look in the back. It's just sitting there. Anyone have any ideas of what I should do with it?

Back to the situation… I really want to be friends, but he doesn't. We’ve hung out once since then so clearly its possible to be friends. I just have to prove this to him. And yes, I do still like him and probably will until I find my future husband. Sadly we just can't be together until he learns how to treat a girl…

I guess there just isn't anymore love around us hahahhhahah... RIP to the great TS.

All Figured Out

I have figured all this out in my brain CC... That’s why I kept saying he is going to be damaged when he’s older because he gets what he wants. He can talk himself into getting anything... good grades, excused absences, out of groundings, out of trouble, and even me. But this is all ok because its finally over... yes, that is right - over. This "getting whatever he wants" was one of the many reasons I ended it. I’m kind of scared for him. Its not healthy to get whatever you want. Really, psychologically, it's not!

I'll post the break-up story soon.

6 AM

It's past six a.m. and I can't sleep because the thoughts won't stop and the tears won't stop and the sobs won't stop, any one of these issues being sufficient to hinder a good nights rest but the combination being especially problematic.

If someone one day were to dissect me, I have the feeling that it would reveal that I'm only an inch deep, and that the rest of the space inhibiting my admittedly narrow body is just a vacuum. It's how I've felt lately. Not tonight.

There are days and nights, when I've been alone for too long, that I can't seem to stop myself from falling back into the deep recesses of my inner void and tapping into the emotional well that I've worked so hard to bury these past few weeks. Once I'm there, there's no stopping the tidal waves of salt water that force themselves in trails down my cheeks. I'm grateful the wall between CC and I is thick enough to to drown out my cries and allow her an uninterrupted sleep.

The thought continuously occurs to me that I should pray for comfort.

I never do.

I'm not speaking to God right now; it's not Him, it's me.

Besides, I need to feel this way. It's my only release from being the inch-deep psychological anomaly that is my persona in the daylight. I allow myself a constant stream of meaningless distractions that sometimes lasts the entire day and following night, sometimes not.

I seek simple amusements to fill my day and my mind, my eyes and my ears. My brain and heart don't get any input. They just don't. As for feelings, I am allowed one single inch of depth. I learn to just ignore the ugliness that I carry around with me wherever I go, no matter how far I walk, how long I drive, who I talk to or how very many distractions I seek out like a heroin addict does, well, heroin.

And if I bleed, I bleed knowing he may care,
but if I sleep, I sleep to dream of him,
but wake without him there.

because I used to have someone that knew me better than I knew myself, and even when we were separated by thousands of miles, at my lowest moments, I could feel that closeness that no distance ever severed. And I could hold the letters he wrote to me and feel his love seep into me through my eyes and through my fingertips. And I was never, really, alone.

And I know that right this very moment I could get in my car, drive for twenty minutes, knock on his door, and he would hold me like nothing has changed, like the beautiful sun I've revolved around all these years hasn't gone and left me spinning alone in this darkness. And for a little while I could convince myself that if two people really love each other, and they're trying their best to do what's right, and they're selflessly trying to serve the other, that they can be together.

But they can't, and I don't know why.

I don't know anything anymore.

He's not really gone, I just can't have him. And now all I have is the vacuum. The void, the well, the ocean, the inch....

But it only hurts when I'm breathing.

My heart only breaks when it's beating.

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

so I hold my breath

to forget

and it only hurts when I breath.

If My Life Were A Novel, I Probably Wouldn't Read It

Today was semi-eventful. CC took me to meet her faux-family. I followed her to their house in my car while she rode her bike.

I blasted "Boys of Summer" through the window so she wouldn't get, like, bored or whatever.

When I got there, I vaguely noticed some paper taped to the front door. I read it when I left and was amused to read, "Notice #2: The boys of this house must return home immediately after school each day and must remain in the house - without friends - until all No grades, D's, and F's are corrected." There was another paper on the door that I assumed was notice #1. I didn't read it.

When I got in, the first thing I noticed was that the doorway into the kitchen was a brick archway. I know, awesome. I think I said so. I can't tell you what the second thing I noticed was because I didn't happen to be carrying a notepad and pen.

Anyway, sometime after I had finished noticing the first two or more things, I was introduced to the ever so friendly mother, who began with telling me how beautiful she found me (which, naturally, endeared me to her faster than if she had just vowed to donate both her kidneys to my dying first-born child), and then explained to me how unfortunate it was that I had only just missed the fashion show their family had put on consisting of some Already-Been-Loved clothes sent to them by their highly eccentric far away aunt "EVILeen." I immediately liked them better for having an eccentric relative (it would have been best if they had been the family eccentricities, of course, but I guess that's not their fault).

The more time I spent in that house, the more I liked it. You know in those books where they're talking about some place that just feels like home the moment you set foot in it, with that homey atmosphere and warmth and every crevice just oozing of perfect, familial content, or that scene in those movies where the young, attractive lead character walks in for the first time and the oh-so mellow background music starts up and they're just watching everything and the air is filled with laughter and fun and closeness and the jello looks way too much like old cheese and everything is right in the world? And you're watching and your only reaction is 'Hm,' because you didn't even bother thinking about it because places like that don't even exist? Well they do. And they're kind of like this house. You know, kind of.

In any case, I really liked it. I liked it even more when I sat on the couch and saw the greenish-pink-yellowish pillow moving out of the corner of my eye, and I turned and found that I had plopped down inches away from a giant iguana named Gandhi who, it turns out, is not, in fact, a pillow. It was love at first sight. I've finally found my Rebound.

The night continued. I got to explain how I was now living with CC because my parents kicked me out of the house for being out past my ten o'clock curfew and then leaving the house the next day even though I was grounded for being out past my ten o-clock curfew. Later, in between moments of pressing myself tightly against whatever latest object was hindering my attempt to get an arms length between myself and my newest acquaintance, Rex, as in "how many times can I rhyme my name with sex" Rex, I got to explain to the overly curious, touchy, speedo-attired high schoolboy all about how Matt and I had met when I was twelve, had a crush on each other, been best friends for two years, been broken up by my parents for three years which he spent seriously dating one of my best friends, met by chance in the street one night when I was seventeen, started dating, wrote to each other all through his mission, got engaged, planned a wedding, paid for a wedding, cancelled said wedding three days before the wedding, and then broke up. All the while avoiding any actual eye contact with a boy who was practically sitting on my lap the entire time.

And then when I went downstairs and saw this boy James, who used to go to my school.

It was weird, but cool. His hair is all blond now, like mine, and his voice got really deep. Like mine.

Yep, pretty crazy.

Crazy day.

Rainbow's Decision

CC said it was about time that we use names and not just key words and "this person". So I will try. Landon and I, well more Landon than anyone, decided to just be friends. I didn't want a relationship during the school year (there is more to it but I have to talk to him about it before I say more.) so that made it so we are just friends. So I guess if I think about it it's my fault. Oh well. I'm over it. Have you ever cried so hard that you tingle all over and your lips are quivering and your eyes twitch uncontrollably? That happened to me the other day. Dustin made me feel so bad and I couldn't hold it in. I got out of the numb stage finally. I can cry again. I can't decide whether or not that's a good thing... This kid James, told me he liked me. I have kinda liked him since second semester started last year (10th obviously). I'm really nervous to like him because he likes long relationships and I can't handle them. I don't want him to just stop liking me though :(

Rainbow's Quick Update

I can't go into detail with everything that has happened in the last while. Dustin and I, obviously broke up (I don't think I had made that public yet.) I like quite a few guys I realized now. Darn it. I just can't control it. I would sit here and spill out everything but I have to get off the computer right now. Expect another post in the next few days.