so frustrated....

OK I'm probably going to regret this one but I need to vent and I figured that this is probably the safest place... plus I need good advice!

First off.... what's with all the freaking SLUTS at our school and why do they always have men? They always get asked to dances, the hot guys are always flirting with them and even the good boys (or so I thought) who call them sluts would pay 20 bucks for a one night hook up with them.

Second of all... do boys understand what they're saying when they tell you they can't have a girlfriend because of their mission? IT MEANS NO GIRLFRIEND UNTIL THEIR MISSION!! not get a new one... and not to go get on a ho!!!!

Story behind the anger...

DL. Yes I hate him but it still hurts knowing that he's hooking up with anything with boobs. I just think better of him I guess. And he asked to hang out over spring break! I dont understand his motives!! I have this image of him dressed as a noble missionary but lately the picture is changing to him rapidly taking the suit off for a night with the drill team (total stereotype, only a few girls on drill sorry). I'm PISSED. They've ruined him when he should be with ME!! rrrr OK once again being selfish. but seriously! What the HE!! So now Derek's beezy gf is hooking up with my dlXbf so were both pissed and its not going over well. Any advice?

Oh and tomorrow is April fools... so hes screwed :)

IM SICK OF HIGH SCHOOL!!

Stupid Boy

Way to ruin my day. Singlehandedly, the male sex has managed to completely reduce my self esteem to nothingess in a matter of 45 minutes in a series of dirty looks (thank you, ex boyfriend), swear words (via jack @$$), an openly stated opinion that I am fat (from a 200+ lbs. man). Now all I need is for my date to MORP to cancel on me because I'm ugly or something. To complete my vent of the day... I cried in front of all of the offenders, and what did they do? give more dirty looks, whisper and laugh. Perfect. Way to go boys. And you wonder why I don't want another boyfriend in high school... Just ask me boys. I dare you. See what happens to your car/ pride/ face/ ability to procreate.

When Life Gives You Lemons

Dear Readers and Bloggers alike,
I have failed to determine the answer to, what I feel is, a vital question. When you find yourself in a position where you've been taken advantage of (used/ cheated on/ lied to/ etc.), how do you:
1. Q: Stop hurting?
2. Try to form other relationships?
In an effort to stop the hurt and try not to think about it, I have completely closed off my heart. That practice has temporarily sufficed to answer the first question... but the second? 4 months after an unexpected and painful breakup, I STILL cannot manage to make myself really like someone else? Why? It's like I sent my heart on a binge for 4 months, didn't exercise it, didn't use it, shut it in a dark room, and just let it rot.. and now, it doesn't work. It's so out of shape that I can't even manage to have a simple crush. I find myself making constant comparisons to my previous relationship and making comparisons between the boys... So now what? How does one get their heart back in shape? How do I keep myself from expecting to see him in every boy I date?

Potential Energy

Day: Sunday, March 21, 2010.
Time: approximately 10.43 am.
Place: Youth Conference Committee Meeting.
Outcome: small epiphany.

There's one boy my age on the committee and luckily we're friends. Today as we were sitting by each other at the meeting, I began doodling on my paper. He stole it and drew a cliff with a sheep walking toward the edge and another already falling. At the bottom was a boiling pot labeled "sheep soup". Clever. I drew an Amish-looking girl smiling sweetly, holding a big ladle, waiting for the sheep. For his turn he drew a dragon heating the soup with its fire and saying "I love sheep soup..." and then proceeded to draw a noose around the girl's neck, attach it to the cliff and draw X's over her eyes. Grim. But I'd go along with it. I drew a vulture circling above the cliff and a girl holding a sword up beneath the dragon. For his turn it was a hunter pointing a gun at the vulture with a bullet and blood coming out it's back. Plus a sword already in the dragon. Oh. And a "nuke"-of course.
Can you picture all of this?
This is where I had a small epiphany. I draw something that could maybe happen; something that holds a slight sense of either doom or the unknown (in the simplest, most juvenile sense). And he finishes it up by removing any question of what happened. It's dead. She's dead. The End.
At the top of the page I wrote "Males, in all things-whether in joint drawings of relationships-seem to be in the habit of killing off any potential energy that presents itself." Have they no decency?
Yes, there are always exceptions to such broad, general statements. But. It does seem to happen more often that girls tend to enjoy the potential energy that comes from meeting a guy, maybe liking him, thinking he maybe likes her, getting to know him etc etc. It's the unknown that's exciting. It's fun. Then the boys go and kill it all off as quickly as possible. It seems to be their nature to remove any mystery they can. They "get a girl" then they're happy for a time. Pleased with the "end result" that, inevitably, just has to end itself.
Personally, I prefer to enjoy the any potential energy that comes my way.
Speaking of which...it's practically spring... :)

Deuchelord: "Hey let's do something!"
BadABeyonce: "OK, after your game?"
"Yes ill come over right after..."
*The magic happens*

a couple days later (Tuesday)...

"So should I believe the things the guys on the team told me that you said about me at practice today?"
"NO! You know I like you Beyonce."
"Hm you sure don't act like it... be careful because I'm friends with those guys too and they tell me everything you say..."

next day (Wednesday)...

"We need to talk"

"OK is there a problem?"

"No, were just not on the same page. I like you I just don't want a relationship."

"Huh OK, whenever you wanna talk lets talk."

"Tomorrow after my game."

next day (Thursday)...

I surprisingly show up at lunch which is a rare occurrence since I don't have a 3/4 period class

and try to avoid going to school at all costs, so Iwalked into the lunch room only to see 80% of

the school clumped on one side watching March Madness and on the other side a single table swarming

with girls (including the X leaning on his shoulder) and one single boy in the middle.. DL. Our eyes meet and the smug look on his face suddenly falls off to a look of "oh crap."

I smile and give a little "Hey, yes that's right, you're screwed." wave,

and turn and walk out the way I came in. (That explains the "I don't want a relationship" crap I guess. He cant have a relationship because he already has too many others..)

Later when he begins a texting conversation there's small talk and finally getting to the point I say:
"So when are you planning on talking?"
an hour later :
"Shoot I forgot we were going to talk"
"You're the one who wanted to... so were not talking then?"
an hour later...:
"Sorry not tonight"

I didn't write back and that's the end of all conversation period up to this point. I have seriously tried everything I can imagine to get him back but although it sounds trite, I've seen the light! Why would you want to make someone love you? They should do that on their own and if they don't they're not worth it! I lost his game again but I did my best and if that's not enough I'm leaving with my pride and confidently walking away knowing I'm better off being alone forever rather than being treated like this.

right?